Gosh, it took a while.

When I was a teen I basically only had girl friends and mostly just thought of myself as a feminine guy. Sure I had long hair and wore cute clothes and tried makeup, but that was just for fun!

I kept that up for a decade, made a few trans friends, and realized my gender identity was kinda weird? I didn’t think I was trans, though, because I didn’t really experience dysphoria in a way other girls had explained it to me. I thought I felt fine?

And then I got hit by a car on my bike. I almost died! And then the pandemic started! So I’m thinking about what would happen if I died and it occurred to me I’d be buried as a man - that really bothered me on a fundamental level. I think that was the first time I understood the dysphoria I had always felt.

I was still confused, though.

So, it’s 2020 and I kept getting ma’amed when I wore a facemask and really liked it. Holy shit I liked it so much. I would get all smiley and any day it happened was guaranteed to be a good one. I started doing my hair more and wearing more makeup and training my voice and then- oh.

I started hormones that fall at 29

I never strongly identified with being a boy and in middle school people started coming out as trans so I realized that was a thing. I grew out my hair and nails but didn’t think I was trans. I eventually adopted a they pronoun and started worrying about becoming a masculine adult. I realized I like shorter shorts and conceptualized myself in a more fem way. I bought some makeup but I forget to wear it. At some point I started to think of my self primarily as trans-fem, but eventually realized I didn’t want to be a trans woman. Luckily my official label is still non-binary and I reminded myself that gender is a stupid social concept and there’s no reason to have to buy into a specific category for whatever reason. So, yeah I’m generally trans feminine non-binary and I don’t need to use a million hyper specific labels I found on Reddit.

Only a few months ago did I realize I was a cis man, I am 24. I have thought I was a trans woman or nonbinary for 13 years.

I realize now that I only felt that way because my bipolar disorder along with traumas that occured down the way were shackling me from achieving true self-actualization and I was searching to forge my own identity from the ground up rather than synthesizing my pre-existing, vestigial self with the person I know I am, the person I want to be.

I realized I was uncomfortable with manhood because men have hurt me really badly. Internalizing the “all men” narrative also kept me from identifying with the label, I wanted to rise above manhood, and thusly become worthy of women’s and nonbinary people’s attention.

I am a fringe case. There were other, more personal psychosexual forces lending my thoughts towards womanhood. I’d never want my experience to indicate at the dangers of transition or whatever. I am simply more aware of who I am now.

I am still devoted to being a good man, but it’s a much different battle, one I’ve been pushing off for far too long.

id just generally been depressed most of my teens, eventually I had a breakdown when I was 18 and ordered hrt online like a few weeks after i was like ‘ok yeah I’m trans’ shit was stressful

im very glad I spent way too much time on 4chan growing up otherwise i would’ve waited years to get on hrt. e.g. r/transgenderuk was run by cis people at the time and actively hate mongered against diy hrt, a lot of the people on reddit were all like ‘TRUST YOUR DOCTOR’. mind you this was all like 5 or 6 years ago

I was raised to be a “man” but I never really saw myself or anything I did to be particularly masculine nor feminine. I wasn’t even aware that there were other options and thought I was genderfluid until I discovered the term non-binary and it made perfect sense to me.

I’ve never experienced any body dysphoria or anything like that, I’ve always been comfortable in my own skin but there was always a missing piece.