As someone with good parents, I get very demoralized hearing about how ungodly awful most peoples’ parents were. It’s so ubiquitous that I almost (almost but not quite) subscribe to the philosophy my friends have where they hold that children should (literally) be raised “by the village” rather than by two parents, which in theory would minimize the effects of one imbalanced mind having full control over the children.
Lately I’ve been reading a lot of books on narcissism and have been picking up on the idea/notion/possibility/viewpoint that narcissism is a spectrum like autism is. In autism, which itself is incredibly common due to the fact that it’s multiple genes/processes/whatever performing multiple parts of a spectrum (think a carpet representing humanity and a shattered cup on the carpet, I use the shards in this visual to represent pieces of the spectrum scattered across humanity, apologies if anyone thinks a shattered cup seems like a negative comparison, I don’t), you have the majority of humanity having some variance in it, which goes to demonstrate there’s no such thing as a neurotypical. As in, if a scouter was invented that instead of scanning your power level scanned your autism level, everyone would have their very own signature number. I would be over 9000. Same with narcissism, if this view is correct, as it would be another shattered glass on the carpet that is humanity, with the shards from both glasses overlapping in their territories (which when you think about it makes the family dynamics in The Good Doctor all the more awkward, it’s one spectrum at odds with another in a show where the main character is a medical savant with autism). And again, not trying to make an awkward comparison, I have friends who openly confess to me they’re deep on the narcissism spectrum, and these people at least are trying their best in life, as well as showing narcissism is a neutral condition that just happens to seem more negative in modern urban situations.
Consider this the sequel to my last such question which had a similar idea to it. What’s the most narcissisty your parents ever come or came, even if you hold them in generally good regards?
My mom was very strict with me as a child, but I don’t think it was narcissistic. She was very focused on my education. I had to do well and get a good job. But it was because she wanted me to have good health insurance as I have had chronic health issues from birth. I have a good job now, my student loans are paid off, and she was right about me needing good health insurance. Our relationship is lovely now. But I’ll probably always remember the time that I skipped a homework assignment and she spit in my face.
Yeah, she definitely crossed the line that time. It was probably the most mad I have ever seen her. I can’t remember if that was also when she slapped me, or if that was something else. But really, those were the worst instances and the other 98% of my childhood was very good. And we really do have a very good relationship today. I don’t think I deserved it, or any child would deserve that. My schooling was just a hotbutton issue for her, and I pushed it really hard that time.
I asked my mom if she ever made mistakes and without skipping a beat she just says no. Looked at me like I was asking something very strange. I was maybe 13 or so when I asked.
All my life I thought that she would love me, if I achieved certain test scores or finished a certain degree.
Then there was high school graduation night. I had worked really hard to get there and I will never forget how she made that annoyed face to let me know that she wanted to leave early. It was like a punch in the gut because it became clear to me at that point that there was nothing I could do to make her love me.
She wasn’t capable of giving love. That’s really fucking sad and I am still grappling with it, but it gets easier.
Our neighborhood had large community mailboxes and my dad would always make me walk down the street to get the mail. One day there were some older kids outside and they started squirting me with water-guns. I got home and told my dad and he asked me to show him where the kids were. When I did he yelled at them saying, “don’t squirt my mail!”
The sad thing is I though he was talking about me, as in male. It wasn’t until years later I realized he didn’t give a crap about me, he was mad his mail got wet.
It’s by far not be the most narcissistic thing my dad did, (that would be beating the shit out of me for not wanting to go to church because it made him look bad). But I think about it often because I want my kids to know they are the most important thing to me, and I never want to say something that would make them think otherwise.
My father was a good man, through and through, but he didn’t always think about the consequences of his actions. He ran his own business quite well for many years, and my mother and I were well taken care of right up to when he died and beyond.
However, for a few years before he retired, the business wasn’t doing well. He kept it afloat with his retirement fund, and drained it pretty quickly. He never touched mom’s half nor what he’d set aside for me. Mom found out and forced him to shut the place down and retire early.
However, because he spent all that money keeping the business afloat, he had to keep working to make any kind of income. He went and got his CDL and drove busses for the city and the school in the small town he and my mom lived in for a bit before taking a job as an instructor at the small local college.
It was during one of these days out teaching his students that he got bit by a mosquito and contracted West Nile Virus. It affected his health like less than 1% of people that contract it. It attacked his nervous system, and he was unable to breathe unassisted. Mom, having medical power of attorney, told the doctors to pull the plug after a month with no improvement.
Because he elected to keep all his employees employed, he had no retirement fund, forcing him to continue working and thus putting himself into a position to be bit by that mosquito. His kindness killed him, if indirectly, and about a decade late.
It must have been crushing to shut down your baby that you’ve nurtured for many years, and has nurtured you. I’ve known a lot of older folks with dying business, trying desperately to keep them afloat until they physically cannot anymore.
I think another contributing factor is the hit to your pride. Going from accomplished ceo, back down to a lowly employee. Having to admit that you’ve “fallen down the corporate ladder”.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m beginning a business very young and don’t plan to keep it going forever. It’s mostly a hobby, and while it’d be nice to be set for life, it ultimately wouldn’t provide enough for the way I’d want to live (starting family and living in a decent home).
On another hand, ADHD has been a blessing since I have many other skills from previous hyper fixations that could land me a decent job.
I don’t think he realized the mark he left on so many lives. The world is a darker place without him in it, and his business was a big part of who he was. His business was a clinic for folks that’d lost limbs. He manufactured prosthetics and orthotics. Many times the folks coming in the door were poor farmers. They didn’t have insurance or money. Didn’t matter to dad, he always found a way to get his customers what they needed.
Hell, I remember being a kid. One of my childhood friends was moving, and another friends family was being evicted. My father bought the house of the family moving away and GAVE it to the family that was being evicted.
I heard a story from mom about after they had moved in together. He used to fill a shoebox with coins over the course of a year, then let kids grab a handful as they’d come by the house for Halloween.
He was a Christian man. I’m not a believer anymore, but he’s the sole reason I ever was. He’s the only person I ever knew to be a Christian that actually, and forgive the phrase, put his money where his mouth was.
He wasn’t a proud man. He hated when he had to do anything that drew attention to himself, and despised when anyone would bring attention to him. He was a humble, kind, loving man. He’s dearly missed.
