For some time now, I have been victim to a number of health-related issues: I’m tired, cranky, constantly hungry, plagued by headaches, and my pee is a harrowing mustard yellow. I’ve tried googling my symptoms and asking friends and family what I can do to improve my quality of life, and the answer I get is always the same: Drink water. It’s become increasingly evident that drinking water would solve absolutely all of my problems. Here’s why I won’t do it.

I’ve always had the proper sense of self-worth necessary to want the best for myself. Maybe if this was 100 years ago, before medicine existed, I would drink some water and hope that hydrating my cells would allow them to function properly again, but that’s not the case. It’s the 21st century, and there’s no such thing as a problem you can’t pinpoint and fix with a supplement, injection, or health secret that my doctor doesn’t want me to know because it would put her out of business. I even went so far as to confront my doctor with this theory and she said, “Please, no. There is no secret. You have to drink water or you will die,” which is exactly what someone with a secret would say.

I’ve always had a keen sense of when people are holding out on me. When I wanted to just get rid of the flap of skin between my underarms and boobs that forms when I wear tube tops, I went to a physical trainer and she told me that wasn’t possible and I would have to establish a holistic exercise routine for that to change. I left immediately. I still have that flap.

At this point, to start drinking water would be to give up on the possibility of a better life without any effort. There are a million moisture-locking serums from, I want to say, Australia, that I will gladly purchase before I slurp down some H2O to alleviate my flaking and broken out skin. I’m not just going to follow rules because someone on the internet or my whole family tells me to. I’m going to listen to my gut – and my gut says, “You are going to die soon.” So I’m just gonna do what I want.

Besides, why would I waste my time putting clear wet in my mouth when I could drink flavor? If you want me to start drinking water, you’re going to have to pry this diet Coke of my hands, which will actually be easy because the dehydration has severely affected my joints and I hardly can grip things at all.

What’s more important than making healthy choices is self-awareness. I am fully aware of the fact that drinking water would enable my body to function and improve my mood and eyesight which has become a bit cloudy in a bout of what cowboys call “desert sickness,” but I also know there has to be a better way.

And that’s why I’ll never drink water.