I’m aware that I’m worthless but still can’t turn off that libido or sexual desire and is killing me. Another thing to add to the list of failures as an male adult.
No job, own place, car, friends, virgin. Why am I even alive?
I’m aware that I’m worthless
No, you’re not. You are in a bad place or in a bad time. Everyone has worth, but sometimes the people around you fail to recognize it or the place you’re in fails to feel right. It doesn’t stay that way, change is the only constant in life. Everyone has periods where things suck, even the best life. You’ll find a place and time and people who love you, even if depression lies to you.
My anxiety voice tells me all sorts of terrible lies about how I’m worthless, despite overwhelming evidence. Sometimes I believe it, and those days are bad. It takes some time, but I get past it. You will, too.
Past? That’s has been my life for 20 years by now. Nothing is going to change
I’m really sorry that you’re having these feelings, nobody deserves them but unfortunately that doesn’t stop them from happening. Obviously every situation is different but for me personally it took me over 30 before I started to change. Could have been a lot faster if I recognised some things sooner but that can’t be helped now. The hardest part is that the change has to come from you and it’s going to be hard but it’s worth it and things absolutely can change.
Everything is going to change. It has no other option. Time is literally a measurement of change.
If you are as you say, which I’ll surmise in nicer language for you as untethered, than brother, options are just waiting for you to pick them.
Especially if you’re only 20, trust me, all the good years are ahead of you. Being in your early 20s, physically, is amazing. In evwry single other way is a nightmare. I went from 17-21 without so much as a hug from another person. Any person. And at times I despaired, like you are now, and things seemed really bleak.
That was over 2 decades ago for me now. Here’s a few short things I wish I knew then and then I’ll give you what I would do in your shoes.
My first two default pieces of advice are always
You can lose a lot of money chasing women but you’ll never lose women chasing money
And
Some days you’re the pigeon, some days you’re the statue.
To you personally tho, remember these things.
To our biological imperitive we have one goal. Survive. Everyday you wake up, you wake up already winning. Remember that as you choose your attitude for the day.
And yes, you always choose your attitude and you always choose your reaction to the world. Those, along with your word, are, in fact, the ONLY things you own. No one can take those away from you, and never compromise them - you’re sense of self, your definition of yourself, come from there.
Do what you say you will do, always. If you can’t commit, then don’t. Better to be honest than to offer false hope - you already know what copium and being let down feels like, don’t add more of that into the world.
Worry about what you can control and that’s it. You can not control anyone else, so stop trying and stop worrying about it.
You have a moral responsibility to tell the truth. What happens after you do isn’t in your control. Let the world sort itself out, and deal with it as it comes to you. worry about you. The truth doesn’t need to yell. The truth doesn’t need to get angry. The truth doesn’t need to impress. The truth just is, and no one can change that. The truth is the only solid foundation a future can be built from.
Life isn’t supposed to be easy. It wasn’t for our ancestors and we aren’t any better equipped than them. It’s always going to be hard. It’s always going to feel like you’re moving from one crisis to another. You’ll get better at navigating it with time. But because that’s just the MO, you can gain the perspective to cherish simpler, quieter, recovery times. It’s as much a choice as it is biological.
Your brain is super good at imagining all the bad that can come your way, so it can be prepared if it does. That’s its main job, prep for disaster and keep you alive. Remember this as intrusive thoughts come on. I swear to Christ 99% of my thoughts are absolute worthless garbage. There are some people who think every thought they have is holy, like the voice is your head is the voice of God - how fucking terrifying- for all of us then, I can’t even begin to understand it.
In your head is a version of you you consider better. Become that. That’s your purpose. Everything else will fall into place.
Your sense of value you place in yourself is entirely built upon achieving things that were hard. Sorry, there’s no other way. Ive made it a point after waking up and doing some physical activity that makes me sweat (yr not fully awake until you sweat) to do the hardest thing I can think of first. You need to push yourself and find your limits. Big things are built in small increments over time. Months, years. Your body as you age is a reflection of these choices. If you can’t be proud of you, why should anyone else be. Train for a marathon. Get stronger, for you, cuz life is easier when you are stronger. Don’t bite your nails, when you have fingernails your hands become tools. Build things. Fix things. Be additive to the world and not destructive. Lift your friends up and be supportive. You shine brighter in the reflection of their glow, and vice versa.
Now if I were to go back and do it again I would do one of two things
I would either join a union (specifically plumbers, electricians, HVAC or elevator technicians)
Or I would join the coast guard and go search and rescue. That search and rescue guy, that guy gets whatever he wants out of the world. Be that guy.
You have some goals you feel are unachievable because there are too many things wrong with your life.
Many of those things can be fixed and are thus achievable goals.
Decide what you can start to fix today and do the next step. I’d suggest starting by applying to jobs that you may think such, but which you are qualified for.
Start with a shitty job and you’ll earn money for a car and maybe make some friends. Apply for a better job later and you’ll have money for your own place.
Fix all that stuff and meeting women won’t seem as scary.
You’re not worthless, you’re lonely and seemingly frustrated.
I don’t know why you think you can just turn off your libido, you’re a human being, that’s pretty much built in. Not to belittle your feelings, but I just don’t see how something innately human makes someone worthless.
I know it sounds daunting, but start with the job (hear me out). I don’t know you’re background/age, but a job can help not just with money, but socializing. I’m not saying getting a job is easy by any means, but it’ll be the first step in making yourself feel more empowered, since three of the five things you mentioned are related to job/income.
A just drop “virgin” from the list. Not saying to not look for love, but being virgin at any age doesn’t make anyone worthless.
I believe that your goals are achievable, but they all require time to really see the fruits of your labor, and that can really suck in the here and now. You’re not worthless, just at a different part of your own journey, at your own pace. Nothing is wrong with that or you.
Even if you don’t believe in yourself, believe in the me that believes in you, because I’m sure you can do it.
sorry this is so long
If you’re comfortable saying, what experience/background do you have? Any disabilities or jobs you’re unable to do (either mentally or physically) I don’t want to rattle stuff off that’s not pertinent. Oh, and country, or where abouts?
Warehouse. That’s it. And I have no education beyond middle school. But that’s typical for immigrants in Europe. Applied for Amazon and MC Donald’s were supposedly “anyone gets a job” but nothing. There’s literally NOTHING for me. And no, moving from here isn’t an option.
Have you thought about paying for sex? I mean, assuming you’re either in a country that doesn’t take a puritanical stance against it – or if you are and can do it safely.
You aren’t worthless and you can grow as a person thru lonely times.
It might’ve been easier for me going thru it as a teen. I was pulled from school and homeschooled, in the Texas countryside. I slowly lost every friend I had in school and there was literally no one else to talk to but my family.
I have a great family, but it wasn’t a warm family. My mother was a very stern and logical woman and my father worked out of town a lot.
They both loved me, but my point is I spent years entirely alone.
I took walks and read books. It got easier.
Decades later I’m still kind of a loner but entirely by choice. As an adult I get flirted with and hit on often. I’m very careful about who I date because I don’t need it. I’m fine being alone now, I only date someone if they are adding something to my life.
It gets easier being alone, you eventually start to prefer it.
