I go to work to work because I need a paycheck, not to make friends.
Where I am there is a new coworker that to me acts needy (think of Slow Horses’s Struan Loy), tries befriending me, but he invariably asks if everything’s ok. I don’t care about this person’s life.
The first 2 times I didn’t think anything of it, but he asks that every day and it’s becoming tiring.
I feel mobbed and stalked, mobbed because he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life and do my job, and stalked, because he is so fixated on me.
going to HR over this seems ridiculous, but I’m starting to hate his voice.
First off, I’m am not seeing really great communication skills coming from your end in your story here.
he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don’t ask him about his private life
This is predicting. Or do you actually know he thinks this? The use of ‘insinuating’ sounds like you’re filling in a lot of blank space with your own narrative. Unless he came out and actually said this, private information isn’t necessarily an unspoken agreed upon trade. And if it was that would be a fault on his side.
And Just to get it out of the way: Introvert isn’t where you don’t want to socialize. It’s just a personality trait in how you recharge with or without socializing. Typical introvert would not avoid socializing altogether. They’d socialize and then excuse themselves for a time being. This is of course with healthy preferences of who to socialize with like any average person could have and that is perfectly fine but that isn’t a trait of what makes a person introvert or extrovert. That’s just having standards.
Either way, this just sounds like you have made a choice that this person isn’t for you and you have some unspoken boundaries and expect someone to know your boundaries without telling them. Even if you think you are being clear with social queues this might be a case of miscommunication of what a social queue is for you and what he reads communication(possible) . But I wouldn’t leave that to assumption.
People aren’t mind readers so of it is bothering you this much you could tell him like several others are suggesting.
after that if he doesn’t let up, see HR as that would be harassment at that point.
“I’m sure you’re perfectly nice as a friend, but I’m not looking for a friend. I like to keep my work and private life separate, and I’ll thank you to do the same around me. Don’t think I dislike you; but for me, personal chat is an unwelcome distraction.”
This website completely changed the way I thought about this stuff and I found it super helpful.
The line to walk, generally speaking, is, “When you do [specific behavior], it makes me feel [specific emotion].” So for example, “When you ask me if everything’s ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot.”
Keeping it about your own feelings makes it less confrontational while still bringing attention to the problem - you don’t wanna get drawn into a whole debate about whether there’s anything wrong with asking if someone’s ok, but you want him to understand how you feel and (hopefully) take that into account in the future. If he does get defensive, repeat the message once to make it clear you’re standing your ground, but then drop it and move on. A lot of times it’s just a matter of the other person not realizing how it affects you.
Having said that, speaking as someone who’s very much had the same mentality in the past, there are a lot of advantages to having friends in the workplace. Something to understand about this approach is that it’s actually good for building relationships because it allows you to confront the behaviors that bother you while openly communicating your feelings, and people may even respect you more for standing up for yourself. Just remember to walk a middle ground, you don’t want to veer into aggression or passivity.
“I’m not interested. Please leave me alone.”
i have a lot of issues speaking my voice (that ive been really really trying to work on recently) but the thought of me trying to say this is right there next to causing a huge scene and yelling FUCK OFF
how do you guys do this shit XD
It seems to me that by speaking up when you’re still calm, you can avoid erupting at an inopportune moment and causing the huge scene that might worry you.
I used to feel terrified about how people judged me–for good reason, based on how people treated me when I was young. Eventually, I grew utterly exhausted from trying to please everyone, after which it became much easier to speak up for myself.
Now I find it easy to offer a cheery “No, thanks” while acting like it’s perfectly normal and leaving the other person to be confused and to deal with it.
I wish you peace as you work towards finding your voice.
Years and years of trying to be nice to people and them just using it against you, and treating you like shit is how you become comfortable being direct, and no nonsense.
Also remember not to worry too much about what that person is gonna do. In most cases even a manager cant even do all that much to you in retaliation, and if they do you have a case to take to HR. Don’t just accept that you are a victim.
Without knowing more about the situation, the best response is impossible to determine.
Are they fixated on you because they think you have social needs?
Has everybody else told them off because he is annoying and by not telling him off you are granting some degree of (passive) acceptance that he is needing?
Is he romantically interested in you?
“Look man, I just have no interest in having work friends. I am here to do my job and go home. You are distracting me from doing my job and I don’t appreciate that.” Or whatever.
Going to HR may be the smart move to avoid him going to HR about you not being friendly or a team player or whatever nonsense if you professionally tell him off. I wouldn’t tell HR you are being harassed, just tell them that he is distracting you from work and don’t appreciate it. If he continues after HR talks with him, then tell HR you feel harassed.
You going to HR can also take place of talking to him yourself. You talk to HR and ask them to tell him to let you work, they talk to him so you don’t have to try and navigate his bullshit and you get the issue noted to support your side of things.
This whole comment right here.
I was thinking the romantic interest thing right out of the gate. I like your emotional need take, too. Either way it’s not work appropriate esp. if OP has communicated their disinterest before.
I also like your direct communication prompt.
While you’re right about how HR works/how to go about it, I find HR a hammer when a finesse tool might work. OP could ask their manager how to deal with it. Not only does this put it on the radar, but it’s a bit less official, and might yield the gray zone outcome OP is looking for
To add to this, OP may want to put their thoughts down in writing. An email or memo or note or anything as long as it’s not a text or other personal non work form of communication.
Lay it all out, over write it, put too much detail and then pare it down to what OP believes to be acceptable. Have some copies of it.
Give them the written missive that boils down to “leave me alone” Make a note of the time and date.
If the co-worker keeps being a pest, go to HR, with a copy of the missive, and a note of the date it was given to co-worker so that co-worker cannot wheedle their way into making it about them trying to “help” OP.
Also, fuck every co-worker who pulls unprofessional shit like this. It’s abhorrent and borderline harassment.
You going to HR can also take place of talking to him yourself. You talk to HR and ask them to tell him to let you work, they talk to him so you don’t have to try and navigate his bullshit and you get the issue noted to support your side of things.
This is how humanity dies.
