Gonna start by saying I am super nervous even posting this. It is one thing to even admit things to myself in my head let alone reach out on the internet. Hopefully it is okay to post this here.
I guess I am trying to figure out if I might be trans (Or partly trans, though I guess that would still count.)
Little basic info is early 30s male, big guy.
I am pretty sure attraction and gender are seperate but related. My preferred, gonna call it, entertainment material has transfem models. I have the thought along the lines of I wish I had a body like hers fairly often. And when I see women in public, in some dresses and skirts, I have started admitting to myself that I am kind of jealous that they can wear that and I can’t.
I have also wondered/fantasized about having breasts.
I will admit that I do crossdress bottom half only, but only privately.
I don’t think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.
I created this alt just so I could more comfortably engage in this community, but I am still kind of freaking myself out and really worried I am just spamming where I shouldn’t be.
Sorry for being so scrambled with my thoughts. So trying to come back to a point for making this post, am I possibly in the closet trans? Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?
Thanks
(Even up to this point I am still thinking about not posting this. I am kind of scared of someone figuring out who I am making this post. It just seems easier to just go on keeping this all my just my head.)
Morning after post edit:
Thanks everyone for your comments. They are helping me wake up a bit. My stupid brain wouldn’t let me sleep last night. Probably got a little over an hour of sleep. I swear I was trying really hard to sleep, I just couldn’t stop running hypothetical situations in my head. Surprisingly not anything negative though.
Edit 2: I may not be replying to all, but I assure you that I am reading.
2.5 days after post edit:
Maybe I should do this as a reply to myself, but I will just write here.
All this has been on my mind since posting. It is honestly a LOT to process. I am absolutely not sure where I will go in the long term, but I am think of coming out to my brother and my best friend. I am pretty much certain my brother will be supportive. I am also pretty confident in my friend. Though, I honestly think after some serious awkwardness things may work out. 🤞
All the contemplation has brought me to my current guess that I am trans, likely non-binary and femme. It is still a bit weird to admit to even myself, but it is what is and I am who I am.
I do wonder if one day I would go the HRT route, but definitely no surgery. Too scared of that a I am pretty sure I don’t need it. I have no issues with having male bits, honestly I am rather fond of the guy. We have practically been attached together my whole life. 😋 (Sorry, I like to make stupid jokes to lighten the mood.)
What I (pretty sure) want is to be feminine and have breast. I decided to start a personal journal yesterday, and I wrote the line “I want breasts” and stared at at for a bit. The line just felt right.
I already had secretly bought some femme clothing (mostly lower body) but I also ordered myself another skirt (hopefully fits tight enough since I want to wear it at my hips and not waist), some peelable nail polish (want to be able to take it off easily), and some clip on earrings.
Thinking about my possible future is scary as hell, but it also makes me excited for who I might be.
Okay, that is my rambling. Sending love to everyone who took the time to reply to me. 😘
(I am also trying to be more expressive online with emotes.)
P.s. Still cis though (jk)
Hey, so I just want to give my perspective as someone who’s a cis woman and bisexual.
I think that most cis people don’t feel jealous of people of the other gender, or wish they had physical features associated with another gender. That might mean you’re trans, but it might not. It’s okay to not be sure. It’s okay to “try on” a label, in a safe space and identify a certain way, and then decide “no, that doesn’t fit me”. We’re here to be this space.
There’s a lot I could say here that I’m sure someone else has said better, but something I wanted to highlight is when you said “I don’t think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.” Transness may seem to be shaped by gender dysphoria, and whilst I understand why feeling dysphoric is an important part of many trans people’s experiences, I think it is too easy to slip into a trap of “oh, I guess I could live like this” and resign oneself to misery. However, there’s nothing quite so beautiful as seeing a person experience gender euphoria, whether they’re trans or not. I want you to lead the best life you can, and I hope you are able to be supported in finding out what that means for you.
You don’t need to have any answers or labels that fit right now, or ever. Whatever your gender identity or sexuality though, you are welcome here.
While I get the feeling that, at this point, the suggestion “talk to a therapist that specializes in gender identity” would be met with a bunch of trepidation, that’s probably going to be the most conclusive action you could take.
In the mean time, I would suggest reading some memoirs written by trans people to see how much you identify with their pre-transition experiences. She’s Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan is a classic one, but there are many you could read.
Everything you’ve said so far are hints that you might be trans, but as an internet stranger I’m not qualified to “diagnose” you. You could be something only halfway to trans (whatever that means) and an actual licensed therapist is going to be best equipped to help you figure it out.
In either case, have fun figuring out who you really want to be! Nothing is better than being allowed to be comfortable as yourself!
Hey, you’re welcome here - so don’t worry about that.
No one can tell you who they are, but we can absolutely share and try help you along in that process. Lots of what you’ve described is pretty common for lots of trans folks, for sure. I spent a long time going back and forth and questioning myself a lot, and a big barrier for me was being really worried about what it would be like to be trans, and how hard it would be - and while it’s been challenging at times, my life is so much richer and more full for it.
All i can recommend is continuing to have an open mind - if you’re comfortable with asking this of yourself, and comfortable seeking out and learning more, that will help guide you on the way - and even if it turns out you’re not trans, at least you’ll have learnt a lot along the way!
Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?
I would suggest not focusing on labels, but rather actions. Labels are tools, not boxes.
Do you want to dress differently? Try different a name or pronouns? Take HRT? How does thinking about these questions make you feel?
https://genderdysphoria.fyi/ may also be useful. I’d also suggest looking up the term “gender envy”.
Just wanted to chime in and say you’re absolutely welcome here. This kind of questioning is normal for gender queer people. Like others have said, who you are and who you want to be can only be decided by you.
I had very similar thoughts to yours when I was first coming out to myself. What ended up being very important for me was finding safe ways to explore my gender and what felt the most right. I would do things like shave my legs, or dress up, try some makeup etc. The other really important thing I did was see a gender therapist. It was immensely helpful for me to sort through the scramble my brain was in and really self reflect and see who I was.
I’m sorry you feel scared posting this, I can relate to that 🫂 Beehaw is a safe space though. I hope you can sort through your thoughts and continue to explore your gender. While often hard, the journey I’ve been on has been beautiful and the best thing ive done in my life. You are always welcome here
