i’m at a major cross roads in my life and all my options seem terrible, i have no idea what to do. i’m just going to vent and ramble about it here to get all this shit out of my head

the past 2 years i’ve been attending university attempting to get my bachelor’s degree, i am still ~1.5 years out from graduating and until last semester i was doing fairly well. this past spring i failed two out of my six classes, both of which was because i have completely run out of motivation to do anything. one class was an accelerated online course which i just did literally nothing for and the other was an in-person class that i just didn’t turn in the final project. i was hoping i could just power through this, i was already enrolled in summer courses so i decided to keep going but now i am failing my first summer class for the same reason, i just have no motivation, no will, no energy, no nothing.

i don’t know if i can get going to university

i can barely get up out of bed and shower most days, i basically spent all my time dicking around doing nothing of real substance before i can just go back to bed. i barely remember the past like 2-3 weeks because i’ve been sleeping ~12 hours a day and have been intoxicated for the remaining 12 hours. i have recently started going to therapy but it is so fucking useless, the advice my therapist gives me is just pointless. my anxiety has spiked again to the point where i can only leave the house like 1-2 times a week, what was her advice for this? aromatherapy. that’s right, aromatherapy, i can’t function as a person from my depression and anxiety but if i just sniff some candles it’ll be all alright i guess. she also suggested that whenever i feel anxious i should “count the corners of the room”, like look at one corner, then the next, then the next, and just cycle through them. which, to my absolute shock, did jack shit to make me feel better, who could have guessed

i get financial support from my parents on the condition that i’m going to college, but if i stop going they’ll stop paying for my food and rent and shit. not instantaneously, but 100% for sure before the end of the year. how can i get a job and support myself if i can’t even manage school? i can’t manage one measly class so how can i possibly do something much harder

i just don’t know what to do and it feels like there’s no way out

in addition to therapy i am also going to see a psychologist to get prescribed medication, my first appointment is this week. i’ve been on antidepressants before years ago and it did jack shit to help me. if this doesn’t help this time i have no idea what to do

but i guess i’m just talking about and trying to treat the symptoms and not the causes of all this. a huge root cause of all of this shit is gender dysphoria. i’m 2 years into transition and i actually pass significantly less often than i did pre-hrt. i used to be thin and kind of androgynous looking but gaining a shit ton of weight (from alcoholism and stress eating) has made me look so much more masc. i’m pretty sure my body has further masculinized over the years despite being on hrt.

inb4 “passing isn’t everything!”, for some people they can be happy transitioning and being visibly trans, and i desperately wish that could be me. i wish i could be okay with this, i wish i could be happy like that, but i’ve tried, and i can’t. passing is everything to me, and that’s not good, that’s not how it should be, and that’s not how it is for everyone, but it is how it is for me. i want nothing more to pass and be stealth, i would give up anything in the world to have that

i hate being stared at in public. i hate being unable to blend into a crowd, i hate being unable to relate to cis people, i hate looking in the mirror and seeing myself

this is such a huge cause of my depression and anxiety. i get anxious out in public over this shit every time i go outside. it’s not the only cause, i still had really bad anxiety before finding out i was trans and i get incredibly anxious about things completely unrelated to gender, but it is a huge contributor to it

i feel trapped, my therapist doesn’t really seem to want to hear me talk about my transition and i know she won’t have anything useful to say even if she did. i should probably get a new one but it was already hard enough to get the motivation and energy to find this one

i don’t know what to do to make things better, i don’t know if they can be better. i don’t know if i should drop out of college, i don’t know if i should stay in, i don’t know if i should just try and find a job and work instead, i don’t know

god i haven’t even touched on the fact that i hate being stuck where i live, i hate this place and want to flee as soon as i can but i’m stuck here

i’m stuck in a body i don’t want to be in, in a state i don’t want to be in, in a world i don’t want to be in

i highly doubt anyone is going to read all of this, i just wanted to get all my thoughts out of my head. i don’t even know if any advice could be helpful, but thanks for reading it all if anyone did get here