Bat [she/her]
lol I found a typo on wikipedia
Charles II (29 May 1630 – 6 February 1685)[c] was King of Scotland from 1649 until 1651 and King of England, Scotland, and Ireland from the 1660 Restoration of the monarchy until his death in 1995.
I think this is the first time I ever found a blatant typo on wikipedia
Finally doing self-care and working on my body after years of neglecting myself
Why does this shit have to be so expensive though. The only cruelty free + vegan 10% urea lotion that I could find was like 30 bucks when you account for shipping and taxes. It sucks but if it takes 30 dollars for me to no longer be self-conscious about my strawberry skin legs that have been bothering me for years then so be it
Had a job interview yesterday, fucking finally. It was one of those online ones which kinda sucked, I would have just preferred to do it in person. Idk how I did, I hope I get it but I’m not holding my breath
Also got my wellbutrin dose upped, probably going to have another week-ish of mania but I hope it’s worth it, I’m fucking tired of being depressed
Things are looking up
“The old gender is dying, and the new gender struggles to be born: now is the time of boymodding”
I GOT MY EARS PIECED
I’ve been telling myself that I was going to do so for like years at this point but it was always so far off thing in the future and I never made any concrete plans. Well this morning I thought to myself “you have to do it today or you will never do it” and I just decided on spot that fuck it today’s the day. Overall it was such a fun experience, my roommate and I went and we just walked down the downtown afterwards
I’ve had such bad anxiety and agoraphobia my whole life and just the idea of doing something like this would have been too much like a couple months ago. My meds have really been helpful
I think I’ve been depressed my whole life. I’m not saying I’ve never had happy moments, but like after the moment is over the happiness fades and I just go back to being miserable, every day is filled with dread, I’ve never been able to really imagine the future. But like everything is different now, it’s hard to even put into words the totality of it
Every therapist I’ve ever had has been dogshit
When I told my last therapist about my anxiety she was like “oh why don’t you try aroma therapy to calm you down?” MOTHERFUCKER I need assistance leaving my own apartment to go grocery shopping I get so anxious, aroma therapy isn’t going to do jack shit
And yeah basically everyone I’ve ever had has been really disinterested. My last one even ended a session 15 mins early seemingly cause she got bored
My physiologist is okay cause she just gives me meds and we talk like once a month, she still misgenders me and shit so still trash but better than any therapist
Mental health services are a joke in the US
the other day i had that major breakthrough in overcoming my internalized transphobia and seeing myself as a woman and something really weird has happened in the days after: i look physically different. i’ve always had a poor sense of self image and tried to avoid looking in mirrors whenever possible, but still this was kind of shocking, like i just look like a different person. i’m really happy about it, but it still was kind of unnerving
ramble about perception
when i was a teenager and a young adult i always had a fear of psychedelics or any other substance that could alter your perception and cause hallucinations, which i could never quite explain. but i think i get it now, i was so scared at the idea that my perception of the world could be false, that i could see or hear something other than what actually happened. the idea that i could trust my perception of the world gave me a lot of comfort and i didn’t want to admit that sometimes the brain messes up processing and it’s possible to be wrong about what you saw
in hindsight it’s a really simple and obvious idea that the brain is just sometimes wrong, but this idea that my perception always was true kind of held up my anxieties? like if my perception or conclusions about something are wrong, maybe my anxieties about something could be wrong too? admitting that an anxiety about something is wrong and that there is no reason to worry is incredibly hard, and i don’t think i could have overcome this if i didn’t have my meds
my perception about things has been proven to be wrong a lot recently
things feel straight when they are gay and gay when they are straight and it all sucks shit and feels like garbage
overcoming internalized transphobia
i’ve known that i’m trans for like 8 years at this point and while i’ve always wanted to be a woman i’ve never felt like a woman, just a guy trying to be one. recently though i’ve been making a lot of huge changes in my life and about 5-6ish weeks ago i got on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety and it has done so much to change my mental state. i never realized just how much fear i was constantly in before starting the meds, it was so omnipresent that i didn’t even really notice it. so now i’ve been working through my anxiety and fears and my low self confidence and my self hatred over the past week and i had the realization of “holy shit i am a woman”. it just like hit me like a ton of bricks, for the first time in my transition i’ve overcome my self hatred enough to actually view myself as who i am
it’s kind of terrifying realization
but i’m working through fear instead of running from it like i would in the past. i’ve been really bad about self-sabotaging and i would usually run away from things that made me happy. like if anyone complimented me it would make me feel like shit instead of feeling good, being miserable is what i know, it is what is comfortable. the idea of being happy is terrifying, it’s scary and unknown. so i would prevent myself from doing things that would make me happy
a couple days ago i kind of just realized that fear is just a thing, it can be ignored or worked past, it’s just something that needs to be endured before it can go away, and i’ve got to stop running from anything that scares me
presenting full time as a woman is horrifyingly scary, and beforehand i would look at that fear and come to the conclusion that it is never something i could do. but now i know i can, i just have to overcome it and the fear will go away
i’m feeling very hopeful about the future now. i think by the end of the year i’m going to be in a really good spot with all of this
