Spacehooks
EX-FIL apologized and his wife did not, She said she finds it disrespectful that I don’t do anything in honor of her daughter and that I even stopped wearing my wedding ring when she died. I’m not going to take that personally, I know that the death of a child is really hard but I’m not an extension of her daughter, I am my own person.
I just told them that they’re no longer invited to the wedding because I was very kind but they didn’t respected me, my mother and my girlfriend, I told Ex-MIL that i will make my whole family block them from everything if she keeps trying to make my mother feel bad, until the end she stood her ground and never said ‘sorry’. Was I cruel? I don’t care, I don’t owe them anything. My mother lost her husband and they used that to manipulate her mind. They stopped being my family when their daughter died, I always just had a respectful treat with them, nothing more.
I won’t make a table in honor of anyone, I won’t make a video in honor of anyone or anything like that, I’ll only have my brother’s favorite beer and wine because it’s something that that cute drunk told me in life that he wanted haha. My wife said she never lost anyone close to her so she really doesn’t need to pay tribute to anyone.
The only thing that will be honored will be the union of me and my wife’s because that’s the thing that makes my days perfect and filled with happiness. I don’t like symbolic things because I believe that the dead are dead and that’s it, they are not still by my side or anything like that but that’s MY belief and point of view, everyone can have a different point of view.
To be honest I thought I would get a lot of YTA, Since my father passed away it has seemed strange to me how people see widows and widowers, everyone wanted my mother to continue loving my father even after he passed away and when it happened to me I felt the same pressure.
“I’m a bad bad person for loving my girlfriend so much more than I loved her?”, “Am I wrong for feeling that the worst loss in my life was my brother’s and not my wife’s or father?”, “all the widows have pictures of their deceased partners, I’m a bad person for not wanting to do that?” “Should I still wear my wedding ring like the widows from the grief counseling does? But I don’t want to” or “Am I a bad person for not feeling anything for her anymore?”
I felt guilt many times long time ago. They were questions that I asked myself daily as soon as I began my relationship with my wife, questions that I don’t ask at all anymore but they really tortured me because what is usually expected of a widower is that we are that forever, never the husband, eternally the Melancholic character even if we have found someone new.
We are always expected to love our deceased partner even if we have a new person because “you can romantically love two people at the same time” but what if I don’t want to? What if that’s not for me and I want to give all my love to just one person? What if i want to move on with my life?. I think at this point I’m just venting so I’m sorry if you made it this far, haha
Be kinder to new wives and husbands, I felt ready to start dating two years later and i met the love of my life, but I know a lot of married people who shouldn’t be because they’re still grieving and sending all that mental load to their partners. Please learn that it is good to be alone when you do not feel ready, there’s nothing wrong with being single.
Thanks for the people who gave me good advices even if some of them were pretty weird. I had an agitated weekend so now I just want to watch tv with my gf.
Comments
That_Survey5021: You didn’t have kids together right? If not. Move on from your Ex in-laws. They are never going to treat your new wife w/o thinking of their daughter. Which means there’s always going to be a problem. When you have a kid. You didn’t name it after her. When you buy a house. You can’t bring her to the house you live with with your wife. When you go on a vacation. You went there with your wife and your sullying it by bringing your new wife. It’s never going to stop.
JuliaX1984: Isn’t it great how love can give us courage to stand up for others when we wouldn’t do it for ourselves? Great job, all of you!
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
Oh no. Guy is idiot. Persistence is great but you need to smart about it and he has a terrible goal. I got my parter by being a river carving a canyon through a mountain. You can’t just force things. Also I am 100% not loving to my partner in public. My partner expressed this wish. People outside may think we are cold to each other but that’s not the case. Hope he gets reality check assuming this is real.
This almost sounds like an episode of “dont tell the bride” from the perspective of the wedding photographer.
The bride and groom asked me to follow them to another location for a ferry ride. They told me it would be a 10 minute drive, it was an hour drive. I was well within my rights to turn around a quit now that I had my contract, but I was feeling nice and figured the more time driving the less time actually spending with these people.
We arrive at the ferry (which was actually just a little tour boat) and the wedding party was astonished to find that they were supposed to make a reservation. Their wedding planner had told them not to worry about it, but the boat needed to be reserved weeks in advance. So, we ended up going on a hike in the area. It started pouring rain and flooding the trail, but the bride and groom kept their wedding clothes on, even through all the mud and water. There was a waterfall at the end of the trail that they tried to climb up. I didn’t want to die, so I declined to climb the slippery rocks next to the cliff with tumbling rapids. I turned around and drove the 3-4 hours home and crashed for about 24 hours. Hopefully they got home safely too.
Sorry for not updating sooner, I was horribly exhausted. The wedding was not as bad as I thought, but if they hadn’t paid me more I wouldn’t have gone. The couple was really nice, just horrible communicators and with bad judgement on trusting this photographer/wedding planner. The planner was the true villain imo.
OOP’s Comment:
Commenter: Sounds like the wedding planner has never planned a wedding before? I don’t know if the wedding planner didn’t know how to plan a wedding or the couple couldn’t make up their minds on a venue.
OOP: as far as i know the planner picked the venue too - the couple had never been to this area before
Worst i had it was 1.5 hrs one way. Hated it.
Husband needs to grow balls. Before this escalates
*****New Update Post: June 30, 2024 (2 years later)*****
Title: Life after the tunnel for us
Hi Reddit long time no see, I have some updates for you but first I want to thank you for all your comments and messages. Everytime I log into this account I am bombarded by mostly positive things and I appreciate it a lot. I am unsure if anybody will read this but for those who want updates they are mainly good ones.
With that out of the way, let’s get to it.
My parents are divorced now, after many fights and tantrums from my Mother. She kept the house and got a bulk payment but that is it. My Dad is like a new man and we are all so happy for him.
A little throwback: when all the drama happened, we did not fire our cleaning lady! this is a woman that had been helping my husband’s family for decades and I was very stressed out about her being out of work because of what my crazy family did. Also, we are not slobs and she is not polishing floors on her knees or anything like that. In any case, my Dad spoke with her and told her she was on paid vacation and until we had a new house to please wait for us if she wanted but she was absolutely not fired. She was really happy about it and so was her family. My Dad started to get food and stuff from them from time to time because they were so thankful about what he was doing for them.
Well… She has a sister, who owns her own nail salon, and my Dad is dating her now. She is a very lovely woman and has grown children so she understands the dynamics happening sometimes. He has been very clear he is not moving or marrying and she is pleased with that because she likes her independence. My Mother nearly had a stroke when she heard about his new relationship and kept saying it was a late mid life crisis and he had to resort to be a sugar daddy, this is obviously what I heard because I don’t have any contact with her.
But last I heard she is having a hard time. She is struggling because she was never good at budgeting and relied on my Dad to put a stop on ridiculous purchases. My sister is also struggling because my Dad is not helping her with money anymore. You’ll see, he was willing to keep helping for the sake of my nephew but then things got very rough. My nephew started calling my kid an affair baby, how she is not with her real dad, called my other nephews delusional, and during a birthday party he even pushed one of my nephews on my husband’s side saying they were not my kid’s cousins only he was. The kids were perplexed and so so so confused but immediately told an adult about it. My Dad spoke with him but he kept repeating it, he spoke with my sister and she said she could do nothing to prevent a kid from telling the truth and didn’t all kids tell always the truth? he told her until there is a change he is cutting them off. She panicked and cried but she is also super stubborn so now my nephew goes to public school because “my Husband made my Dad cut them off”.
Bates, well, he is still unemployed. I know I was cryptic about it but he was in an industry related to vulnerable women and some of it related to stalking (irony much?) that’s why he was fired, the organization he was in didn’t want this to splash on them. I have received 2 more very long handwritten rambling letters from him and since he only has my lawyer’s address guess who has the honor of receiving, reading, and file those ramblings? I love my lawyer and he is a champ. Apart from that and the gossip I have not had bad issues related to him except for one: I was at the grocery store and a random woman came over to ask if my kid was Bates’ baby, I was speechless and shocked. I asked her what she was on and she said he has a photo of us on his profile and I should be ashamed of myself for hurting such a good man. Turns out he is still going by the narrative my kid is his and I loved him so much.
That is all old news but at the end what shocked me the most was the pic comment. This is not a photo that has been public or anything like that, it was sent to a family group once and that is it. I told my husband immediately and he was enraged but composed, we decided to smoke out the rat. Long story short it was my Dad’s two sisters feeding info to my Mom. My Dad was so disappointed but also had no doubts cutting them off, they are still begging him to talk to them again.
My brother and his family are doing great, we see them a lot and have been in some family holidays since the last update. They are also NC with my Mom and sister, my SIL is actually super happy about it because it turns out she was not a fan of our Mom but kept the peace.
My in laws keep being lovely as well, we allow MIL overnight babysitting now too and she is over the moon with it. Sometimes she has all her grandchildren under the same roof and they are all delighted to be with her, she is a former flight attendant so their favorite game is to pretend airplane. Overall they love her and we know she is good with out kid so we not worry. She had to make her socials private because my Mom kept stalking her, I am sure she is extremely jealous but she made her own bed.
Lastly, my Husband keeps me sane whenever little things come up. We are thinking if we should have another baby or maybe adopt one, we are still undecided. We have a great support system and the privilege to have this conversations. I still miss my Mom a lot, I sometimes cry when I realize there are milestones I can no longer share with her but she is a bad person and the safety of my family matters more.
Last fun fact: this father’s day they actually went camping, it went great apart from the mosquito bites and some ill placed sunburns.
Relevant Comments:
Could Bates ask for a paternity test/report the photo:
We already did a paternity test, not with Bates but with my husband. We never ever had doubt obviously but my lawyer suggested to have it done in case he claimed it. The photo incident was a while back and we already took it off his facebook page, I didn’t want to go further because I don’t want to see him again.
Editor’s note: Well aware I wrote the wrong years when labeling- was focused more on trying to get the time between posts correct. That’s fixed now, thanks to those of you who were polite about it. Don’t be a fucking dick and call me stupid in the dms please.
Update Post 4: June 25, 2022 (3 months later, 6 from OG post)
Title: A little Bates Update.
Hi Reddit, TLDR: I am happy to report we are all alive, well, in a new house and baby is thriving. And Bates was fired.
Longer version:
We officially moved into a new house, with my Dad moving into the guest house. We had many discussions both in and outside therapy and we decided that while it would be good for him to be with us we all still need our space. We are still renting out the old place and will be deciding what to do later.
My Dad has the grandchildren all together about 3 times a week now, he still has to see my Sister’s kid separately since she refused to let him take the kid unless she knew where he lived, which to be fair is a normal thing but considering she is crazy we don’t want her close. My Mom complained to the lawyers about how unfair it is my Dad still gets to see all grandchildren but there is nothing she can do about it. About a month ago my Dad told me he had a confession and my stomach started hurting…… Dear reader, he pays for my nephew’s (Sister’s kid) schooling and babysitting which is why she still allows him to see him. He felt so guilty for hiding it and didn’t want to keep secrets. I assured him it was nothing wrong and to please don’t feel bad.
On Mother’s day, my Dad got an email with a link to an Instagram account in which they made a sad video about my Mom and how most of her family has abandoned her and how much of a saint my sister is for being there for her. It was really pathetic and enraged me but I just sent it to the lawyer. Dad officially filled for divorce in May and the process is still ongoing. My Mom insists he is wrong, but my Dad said he’d rather drink bleach than go back to her so I think that is final.
My Brother and Husband took my Dad out for Father’s day and had a blast. My sister posted many many many things that day but they managed to block my Dad from even learning about it because we wanted him to enjoy it. They also did a “camping trip with the kids” a.k.a. went to a hotel, got a suite and put a tent in the middle area for the kids and a little tippie for baby. Honestly, having baby is one of the best things that have happened to me and seeing my Husband being the amazing father I knew he would be makes me so happy. It is tiring but we have so much support I feel grateful beyond anything because I have my rocks on my side. My SILs and I now get to have a little calendar on sharing things all the kids get to do things that are age appropriate and if they want to - we want to let them all know they do not need to hang out with people they dislike and their voices matter, right now they are ALL obsessed with baby and say they are her protectors - and we get little get togethers, brunch, etc. Honestly, having family time is now a pleasure and not a headache without my sister there. I know is wrong to say but she just sucks the positivity out of the room.
My MIL also loves having time with baby and stays in the guest room about once a week, she asked politely and said she didn’t want to take baby for sleepovers or anything. I feel respected and heard by her and yes have broken down sometimes because I miss my Mom a lot. I miss the Mom I had or thought I had, not the one that told me I would be a terrible mother or was a hateful woman. My therapist says it’s a marathon and to focus in the good.
Speaking about good: Bates was terminated, not only that but his reputation in his industry was not only damaged but nuclear level damaged. So was his brother’s but because BIL is not in an industry that cares as much about reputation he still has his job as far as I know. Bates sent me a 12 page, double sided, seemed single space letter about how hurt he is I am denying him what’s his and my husband is so threatened by him that he had to go and destroy him professionally because he would not be able to destroy anything else. I said seemed cause I didn’t read it, my lawyer did and gave me a summary. I also heard from the grapevine (No, I don’t ask people, they just tell me since they know he is stalking me) that the mother of his children moved and he didn’t even care and said it was for the best. This man doesn’t even care about his kids and wants to play family with baby and me! Sadly, he won’t be homeless or anything because Mommy already let him move back in with her so I doubt he will learn anything from this.
Not the flashiest of updates but just what is. Oh, and my husband burnt or donated every single item given to him by my Mom or my “parents” with my Dad’s blessing. He says life is too short to give her space in his life even with memories.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: I am really glad you are coming through all that with the good bits of your family very intact. I don’t really get the firing part. I get Bates is a bad dude, but has he ever done anything that has relevance or a connection to his work?
OOP: Without giving up his industry, it is a very close knit one and when you get a bad reputation it sunks you. He was thought as a nice but distantnice feminist single dad before this. He even told some coworkers I was with him for longer than we were.
Commenter: Op , i am reading your full post from the best of reddit at 1.30 am from my home in India and i have respect and sorry for what you’ve faced and i hope your child grows to be healthy and nice as you both. Also i hope this whole fiasco is over soon and you can be bqck with your mother after her ex fantasy is over. Respect for you Keep fighting
OOP: That is a lovely sentiment but I will never talk to my Mom again. I miss her a lot. I cry a lot. She is not the person I thought she was and baby deserves the best family we can get and my Mom is not part of it. It breaks my heart but I need to protect baby.
OOP Comments on the second BORU Post:
I came to check the comments since tequilitas told me the sub was full of nice people but so many snarky ones. I won’t give more identifying info but Bates is supposed to work with vulnerable people which is why my husband contacted their employer.
As for the money thing, we all come from well to do backgrounds for saying something so I never thought he would suffer for money, but he also will never learn anything
