Wendy_Pleakley [he/him, they/them]
Greetings!
I used to go by SterlingPooper around here (which is a pun on a company called Sterling Cooper from the show Mad Men). NO MORE!
Uh, I just got sick of typing the word poop and looking at the word poop and associating that with myself. Shiny new username, feels good.
Every time I have to do a virtual meeting I end up having a technical issue that is confounding to everyone involved and has no clear solution.
Today everyone could hear me, but I couldn’t hear anyone. Every volume setting at full volume. Switching between wired and wireless headphones. I never figured out what went wrong 🫠
Trogdor, Computer Virus.
Also, “A One that is not cold is scarcely a One at all”
It’s satisfying to spend time around people and realize that you really can just be yourself. I realize now how much I felt like I had to act a certain way. Just acting like me, and not caring if I come off as feminine or masculine is the easiest thing ever.
Worn out. Dealing with some confusing mental stuff around socializing.
spoiler
Had an anxiety attack yesterday and went driving around to try and clear my head. I feel like going this long not having people consistently outside of my immediate family has been detrimental. My brain says “they’re not reaching out, they surely have stopped caring” about my college friends and the fact that I don’t have people standing in front of me, saying “I care about you” tells me that that’s right.
I’m pretty sure that I’m caught in some cognitive distortions around socializing. Making friends feels like this weird insurmountable task, like I don’t know how to just do that without the context of us being in school, or having a mutual friend. In school, before I knew I was neurodivergent, before I questioned my identity, I gave it my all and strung myself out. Now I am terrified to give the bare minimum because I never felt that reciprocity from others, and I don’t really know why. I don’t want to put my energy in places where it isn’t appreciated.
With all of this, I’m worried that I’m deeply overthinking something that is for most people intuitive. Relationships make no fucking sense to me at this point.
Edit
spoiler
I haven’t had consistent friends since the pandemic. I thought my parents would care more? They just let me live here and lose all sense of direction I guess
Do people ever have a responsibility to step in and help? Or are we really all just kites in the wind
I’m confused because I changed ALL my behaviors because of the severity of my mental health and nobody so much as asked about what I was going through. And like, how do I now go back to those people that were willing to watch me fall?
Or do I say, that boy you remember is someone else who is GONE, but I’m here now, whatever I happen to be today
I’m running on fumes. I’m realizing that I have zero (0) people and that the blank stares those cis people gave me for six years in college might be the closest I get to a community of people who exist in the same room as one another. It blows chunks.
The wonders of my brain persist
spoiler
I’ve been pacing around in my room for like 4 hours. I need to take my medicine but I need to eat first, but I have no appetite because I’m obsessing over why my friendships fell apart and did I expect too much and is anything too much to expect from anyone. Did I waste time hoping that my parents were invested in me figuring anything out? I thought people notice people and talk to them about things that they do and things that happen. If I move out tomorrow, my Dad will legit forget I lived here. It feels like everyone I knew forgot about me. It’s not great.
Finally ate and took my meds after staring at the wall for a few hours. Feeling a bit more grounded. I decided to go for a drive, now I’m just sitting in the woods.
I feel so lost. I wish I could just be a plant and forget all this.