The bad thing about the newfangled Dyson ones is there isn’t really a good place to put your dick

I thought the sink/dishwasher combo was just AI craziness but I had to Google it. It’s a real thing. What the hell.

In a final act of defiance, the wasp robbed you of what you wanted most: the certain knowledge of its demise and the peace that comes with it When I am dying, I too will crawl away to my presumable death, never to be seen again. My enemies will spend the rest of their pitiful lives will be spent glancing over their shoulders and checking corners. Waiting for what will never come. They will never know a moment of true peace. The wasp can teach us a great deal about hate. Hate that is truly real and everlasting. All hail the wasp.

Years ago, a coworker greeted me with “Happy 420!”

• Me: “Oh, I didn’t know you celebrated Hitler’s birthday.”
• Him: "What?”
• Me: “April 20th was Hitler’s birthday.”
• Him: long pause and blank stare “I DIDN’T KNOW HITLER WAS A STONER DURHURHUR!”
• And then I got a new job.

I don’t know about this. This guy’s more punk than me.

30 Seconds to Jail

Shhhh I wanna hear the crazies

Did this professionally for a while. Carpet cleaners would largely go out of business overnight if everyone took their shoes off. Filthy animals.

Whatever, don’t care. Won’t be lured in to eat their crappy food. I could gather more sustenance from sunlight more cheaply and with better service. Bagged lunches unite!

If they didn’t put your name in all caps or something, you’re good to go. Just walk up to the judge and explain during court. Ignore the bailiff, he won’t tackle you.