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The people “struggling” to read this need to go back to children’s books. This is entirely readable.
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There are too many commas and the phrasing is awkward. The first and last two commas are grammatically incorrect.
1 point
Removing those commas only makes it the more awkward. Don’t apply for editing jobs.
1 point
Grammar isn’t a matter of opinion, and incorrect grammar doesn’t make anything less awkward. We’re not talking about Oxford commas, these are just wrong.
