As of late, I have had a bug in my mind that has been just eating away at me. The feeling that my somewhat atypical experience makes me feel fake. The accusations of us users here being “fake transfolk” is not exactly helping matters for me either. It really boils down to a few bullet points that I can hopefully outline in a coherent fashion.
I have moved with incredible speed throughout my transition thus far. I am in my mid-30s. I started questioning my gender in mid-late 2019. My egg finally cracked in June 2022, at the age of 32. I started HRT a short two months later in August of 2022. Since then, I’ve changed my legal name and gender. I have also started the process of bottom surgery and am currently scheduled to have the procedure in April. That is 22 months from egg cracking to bottom surgery.
I never really questioned my gender during my childhood. I read a lot of stories about transfolk who have known for a very long time. Like, most seem to fall into the realm of having known since prepubescence or somewhere in the years of puberty. Now, I had a very…special…time as a teenager where I don’t remember a godsdamned thing about any of it. To put it in short, I was thrown out of the house at 15 and was forced to take care of my dementia laden grandparent. Either way, I’m pretty certain that questioning my gender in any manner wasn’t a part of it.
I honestly just feel like any and all signs I had pointing to the fact that I was trans all my life feel fabricated on my part cause I feel like I’m chasing a fad so to speak. Trying to fit in with my friends and my family. This thought isn’t entirely unwarranted. I’m pansexual and came to realize this back in 2007. I knew this, yet still exclusively called myself gay at the time because I thought it would help me find friends. I just wonder if this is another of those cases.
I will post some positive reinforcement at the very least. As noted, signs did exist of me being trans dating all the way back to the age of 4. I used to pretend I was pregnant alllll the way back then when playing with my sisters. Something I did quite often if my memories serve me well. I never really cared for toys as a child as I preferred video games back then. I did, however, want toys geared towards girls back then, like Polly Pocket. Even to current me, those things were dope as hell and I wish I had one. Moving past the dark years, I wanted to dress in skirts in my late teens and try walking in high heels. I played girls in video games starting in my mid-20s. I openly wished to have breasts shortly thereafter. I m also on record at the time of saying “Y’know, I wouldn’t mind having a vagina. I don’t think I’d care that much if I lost my dick.”
Ultimately, I feel as though maybe I’m just psyching myself out because I have a major life change coming up in a scant couple months. Even with all this on my mind, I still think it was the best decision I ever made for myself as of current. I can’t imagine a life where I would go back to being a man. I can’t imagine losing all that I’ve gained thus far. My body, my voice, my emotions. All of it. I don’t want to lose it. At the end of the day, I’m just afraid I’m going to look back at all of this in 10 years and say “Boy I sure made a colossal mistake right there.” My experience being atypical makes me think that maybe I am just riding a fad so to speak. After all, I never came to this realization until recently, so late in my life.
When it boils down to it, I’m not really looking for validation or any of that. I get enough of that from my partners. What I want is a raw opinion and some discussion into the matter. If you feel as if you wish to respond, feel free to ask me any questions you so desire. So long as they’re not identifying, I don’t mind sharing most information about myself. I’m an open book. Either way, thank you for making it through this post. It is greatly appreciated that you took the time out of your day to read me rambling on in a word salad only fit for a big trough.
TL;DR I’m extremely insecure about my transness due to atypical life experiences compared to the community at large and am scared of making a big mistake.
My honest thought reading that was that I don’t see that as very atypical. Or rather that atypical experiences like that are pretty typical. Vaguely having some things in childhood that could have just been a boy playing around but not actually being able to process any of it for years due to processing trauma instead until it comes together all of a sudden? I’ve heard that one before!
For me I don’t think I’d ever be able to afford it and I don’t think I’d ever be in a position socially where I could safely come out. And I don’t always feel that strongly about it, sometimes I think if I had been born a woman I’d just want to transition to being a man. Sometimes I think it’d be cool to just have a vagina but still be a man or get an orchiectomy and leave it at that but I can’t see committing to either one.
