Everything? No.

Anything? Yes.

Well, years ago Hidden Valley set up a hunt a la Willy Wonka style, but with only one golden ticket in one bottle of ranch, only sold to people living in Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, the Dakotas, and participating stores in Nebraska and Missouri. The person who finds and comes forward with the golden ticket gets to learn the location of the Hidden Valley. We’re always in a scramble to increase our own chances of finding that ticket, so we have to use it on everything we can get our hands on. Some say it was all a trick by the company, but the true believers like myself know it’s out there waiting for it’s winner.

It’s pretty good for dipping pizza and sweet potato fries in, but better with good house-made ranch and not hidden valley.

I moved to the Midwest a few years ago and my friends keep hazing me with ranch. They mail gallons of ranch to my house, photoshop ranch my pictures, even give me ranch related clothing. All this because I said I didn’t like ranch on my pizza. The Midwest has a ranch obsession and it must be stopped!

I once dipped a chocolate chip cookie in ranch. This was a Mistake. To be fair, I was much younger. To be unfair, I was still much too old to excuse this.