Not to brag but I’m a pretty confident person in my social circle. I’m funny, make people laugh etc. etc.
Basically, I am adored by everybody.
But there is something that I noticed about myself lately. Regularly people come up to me to chat and sometimes they compliment me. Now, complimenting isn’t a bad thing, obviously. But I just don’t feel anything when I receive them.
However I enjoy it when people talk good things about me when I’m not present. I, again, don’t feel anything when people talk shit about me when I’m not present. BUT I really enjoy it when people straight up come at me and say something bad at me. My mood increases and I spend the rest of my day happier.
Is this some kind of a defense/coping mechanism that I have unintentionally developed? I don’t see anything bad about this.
It’s also worthy to say that I spent the majority of my life isolated up until a few years ago. No compliments at all but nobody to say bad things either. Is this why I fail to appreciate compliments?
Do you suffer from past traumatic experiences? I was abused as a child, and as a result I constantly avoid attention. As an adult, I still walk barefoot on the balls of my feet and close doors quietly to avoid being noticed around the house. Getting complimented by anyone is difficult for me. Getting complimented by a stranger is paralyzing.
This will seem like a weird tangent, but it is setting up some context.
I was taught as a young person to be humble, and to avoid making others feel bad for not being as good as me. So while Inwas always told I was special, I wasn’t supposed to acknowledge out out loud to avoid being seen as bragging. This was either driven in or internalized to the point that compliments still make me feel uncomfortable because of a natural urge to dismiss them despite knowing they are being given in good faith.
Compliments given when I am not present seem more genuine to me, like they aren’t just saying it to make me happy at the moment. Thise sre my favorite, hearing about someone telling someone else a positive thing about me.
It sounds like you have a kind of reverse situation, where you prefer to have something bad said about you in person and don’t care about what is said when you aren’t around. That kind of sounds like confidence in yourself being able to handle negativity, but not getting pleasure from compliments. It could be a coping mechanism, and that would be my first guess. The reason for your isolation would probably provide some context, but that would be better to discuss with a professional than the internet.
If you are exposed to lies and manipulations a lot, maybe you developed a defence mechanism against language.
I have, and for example my boss loves to fist-bump me and compliment my work. This means nothing to me because I know he’s a POS scum human through his actions.
My aunt is one of the loveliest people in the world, yet she let slip once that she befriends people because they’re useful to her. She’s nothing but smiles and good gestures, yet it’s only to use and discard you, as I’ve observed throughout her life. She meant it. Thanks, wine.
My father is in jail for basically being Andrew Tate.
Compliments can be real, and they definitely feel more real when they’re still expressed behind your back, but from my experience humans are generally playing a shitty social game. That’s why rude people are so great - you’re actively putting yourself at a disadvantage in our relationship just to express yourself? Fuck yeah, preach your feelings buddy!
Someone was once trying to give me a advice by saying that people just talk to obtain information about each other and use it to their own advantage. Well, that was an instant upgrade to my shitlist for her. And ya, in the end her behavior caused one of my social circles to fall apart.
When someone tells you they’re bad, believe them.
Awwh damn, sorry you lost your group of homies to a goober :( I’m glad you had other friends at the time though~ Losing everyone because of one goob sucks.
It’s not always easy to accept these behaviours though. Even after my aunt’s radical statement, I needed a lot of introspection in order to find, well, reality lol. Jesus Christ take me back
I concur with your conclusion, but I also love to balance it with a paraphrased quote who’s origin I don’t recall…
Never trust someone who says they’ve never stolen
It has two sides: Humans are corruptable, but we are also redeemable. It helps me put the humanity back on people my brain would otherwise villanize. I’m ever the optimistic ideallist though. :p
Because your parents/caregivers didn’t compliment you
Look into attachment theory for more info
