I’m not sure I should start this conversation and I’ve been rewriting this a lot lol. But I could use some relating and opinions from fellow internet leftists
Ok so, to keep it really simple: I happened to share a meal with somebody I really liked. I have interacted casually (no flirting) for about a dozen minutes total and we exchanged contact because of shared-interests (not dating)
Now my brain is fried
I’m thinking about her way too much and it gives be bad vibes, she probably has no idea and I can’t imagine the sheer horror of realising that someone is thinking this much about you after so little interaction.
I want to be a well-behaved straight (kinda bi but that’s beyond the point) guy, I’m trying to be an ally to the feminist cause, so, failing this spectacularly at behaving normally in relation to women disgust me. I know I can’t remove the patriarchy from my body but I damn wish I could.
/uj Feelings are feelings, only actions cross the line into inappropriate territory. You had a pleasant interaction and got the warm fuzzies, nothing wrong with that. There is also a chance, can’t really say without additional context that this person wanted to date you. I certainly don’t give my contact deets out to everyone I share a cig with.
/rj how fucking dare you, you must take SSRI to remove all libido or you will go viral as an abuser.
/uj You must be right, I might be overreacting. The subjective experience is very unpleasant but as long as I’m objectively not creeping her I guess it’s alright. Not gonna detail the whole context but evidence suggests that she’s not into me so I’m definitely not making a move. I’ll find a healthy way to cope! (writing a thread on Hexbear is probably one I guess)
/rj I’ll surrender to the Volcel Police to be sent to the maleness termination facility
/rj how fucking dare you, you must take SSRI to remove all libido or you will go viral as an abuser.
Unironically the best bit of me taking SSRIs was the brief period where I lost all my libido. Wouldn’t say it was great if it had continued but it was very novel to be entirely non-horny. Lot of shame and other issues tied to my sexuality so it felt nice to just exist without it for a bit.
Just ask them out imo. This feeling will only fester otherwise. And if they say no, well now you know!
I’m really conflicted about that because I feel like it could ruin a potential friendship if I’m too daring. Also there was a tacit understanding that she would contact me when she gets into a certain shared interest we talked about soooo it would be pretty inappropriate right now, gotta wait for more developments
If you try to pursue a platonic friendship with someone you are crushing on, that has the potential to turn quite ugly, speaking from experience. Obvs you know the situation better than me, but one might say that carrying on like that is even dishonest/unfair to both parties. It will be way harder to salvage a friendship if this comes out later on, when you both know you’ve been continuing under false pretenses.
As for appropriateness, there’s nothing weird or creepy about asking someone out! You can even lampshade the awkwardness it if needs be. You’re making out that boundaries were set when you spoke with her. Is that true? Because asking her out is how you give her a chance to set those boundaries.
I can’t speak for you, but trying to be friends with people who don’t know I have a crush on them, with the goal of never telling them and hopefully moving on, has made me want to put a bullet in my brain. Especially when we become closer and I realize I still liked her. The only way I found any inner peace was by sabotaging it, i.e. telling her my feelings, and ending the relationship. If I could do it again, I’d tell her from the get go. Being rejected doesn’t mean a friendship cannot form, but being rejected when a relationship already exists is much more soul crushing and unlikely to lead to any alternative relationships.
Rip the band aid, and maybe one day you’ll both look back and laugh your asses of as best friends who truly care and love each other, but just not romantically. Or who knows, maybe it all works out.
Think there’s about a billion songs describing what you’re feeling so i wouldn’t sweat it. If you’re worried about creeping and not talking you should go ahead and talk to her about your mutual shared interests and hang out as friends. She did give you her contact sooo
Nothing creepy about sharing those interests over the phone or doing those things together. If you know now or find through time spent you like her romantically, then just be honest with her about those feelings and be fine with whatever her decision is.
I mean of course that’s easy for me to say… but I’m trying to say strong feelings are normal and nothing to fear. Maybe don’t tell her about your obsessin’ till after you’re married tho
Feels good to read comrade thanks!
You’re right about friendship. I actually feel better around female friends! And I’m actually afraid I’ll ruin a potentially incredible friendship by being irredeemably inlove
And I’m actually afraid I’ll ruin a potentially incredible friendship by being irredeemably inlove
This feeling passes if you allow it to pass, and to see the person as just that, a person, and a friend. I’ve found the more toxic kinds of crushes are the ones where you don’t actually spend time with the person being normal and being friends. Gotta let these things see through the end. Either you stay friends and the crush naturally subsides, or you realize you’re incompatible and kind of fall off, in my experience.
Thinking about women is not problematic, friend.
I have dealt with leftism long enough to know that it’s never as simple /s
But seriously yeah I know it’s fine it’s just some kind of anxiety, I don’t know what I’m afraid of, to my knowledge I’ve never been creepy to anyone, yet somehow I’m tormented by the idea of being one
there are plenty of thoughts you can have about women that are problematic.
yeah, but a dude worrying about potentially being a creep and than some other guy coming along and being like “there is no way to think about a women and be a creep” just rubs me the wrong way.
Why is everyone so fucking neurotic about this?
Like why are half the posters in this thread going WHOAAA THAT’S JUST A STEP AWAY FROM BECOMING A PSYCHO STALKER ABUSER
It’s understandable up to a certain point because most men are gross, we suck and there’s constant evidence for that worldview. But I agree that it’s excessive to bring that attitude to a thread where someone who is struggling with a social situation is asking for support and has given us next to no reason to think anything untowards has happened.
Falling this hard after meeting somebody once for a dozen minutes may be more indicative of other personal stuff rather than just being a “creep”
I might have terminal romantic brain
I’d understand if I was an inexperienced teen but that’s not the case. I had multiple, long, healthy relationships, and I still can’t handle a crush ffs
I think it might be important to separate this from “romance”
Its not really romance, just obsession
… huh??? Like I agree it’s not the same thing as romance but that seems like a really pathologizing word to use for something 70%+ of people have experienced
Patriarchal society do be romanticising actual obsession though. Lots of love stories are about obsessional creeps getting what they look for and they lived happily ever after
And I don’t think I’m obsessed, it’s still just a crush. I’m paniked by the fact that maybe it’s not good to have a crush after having so few interactions with somebody but maybe that’s just me
Right?! I feel we just had this discussion just the other day!
