I feel like past a certain age everyone doesn’t like growing older. For me I have that same feeling plus the added pressure that every year I go from being an X year old virgin to an X+1 one year old virgin. I’m about to finish collage and go into the work field which given my internship I can already tell I won’t have much of a chance at meeting new people even less girls.
Everytime I find someone and start getting along with them really well. I think to my self this will finally be the year which I stop being a virgin. But it just has not worked out. Of course I dont go into a relationship with the sole goal of losing my V-card but it is something that crosses my mind.
I am 24 year old and I am still a virgin.
Virginity isn’t real. It’s a label used to shame women by its absence and men by its presence, but doesn’t say anything useful about a person.
For you, you’re still young. Barely done growing, biologically. Your life isn’t over, it’s just now beginning.
In some aspects I do feel like it is beginning but also the college life is ending and it felt like these were supposed to be my wild years. And while I did experience many things, sexual relations were not one of them. And it feels like I’ve lost my chance
I had my first real gf at 27. Needless to say I had given up years ago. A couple of years later she broke my heart and I started to look for someone else even if I thought I would never get over her. I had a couple of hook ups and a crazy person (super fun sex but not someone I would share my life with!) before giving up on love. 2 months after ending it with crazy person I thought that was the end for intimate relations when I found my current gf and we are happy together today with a son.
Every time I found someone, it was when I had given up. Maybe it made me relax more in the company of girls or it was something else, I don’t know but I just didn’t care if things would work out or not. I think they can sense that.
Don’t worry about it. I think I first had sex at 30, mostly due to a religious upbringing that I was in the middle of finding my way out of.
If you want to live a sexy life, go do it, but if you like your current life and just haven’t found the one, that’s something that takes patience and persistence.
One thing you can do is take steps to make sex-positive friends. You can start down that path by talking more openly and frankly about sex, and destigmatize it.
All of this. I had sex once at 14 and then not again for a few years. Losing my “v-card” didn’t materially affect my life or relationships.
I didn’t discover good sex until my thirties. Due in large part to finding some sex-positive, kinky friends. I think I only ever had sex with one of them, but the social environment had a big effect on my outlook and was a big game changer.
I mean I havent had a real relationship since the age of 15 and that was barely anything. But I am afraid of what potentional partners may think of me if I havent had sex yet. Feel like they will think that there much be a reason someone didnt want to have sex with me already
They aren’t going to know unless you tell them. And if you’re already to the point of discussing sex with someone, you’re probably past the point of that being a hangup. It’s like worrying about the size of your junk—by the time someone is at the point of seeing it, it doesn’t matter.
Sex isn’t precious. Don’t get me wrong. It’s intimate and a wonderful way to feel close to another person physically and emotionally. But I feel like it’s so intimidating because people think it’s precious. It’s just sex. Every single thing in your genetic lineage before you has done it for hundreds of millions of years.
Are you going to get hung up about a woman who tells you she’s been with thirty people? She’s likely just as self-conscious about being judged. I don’t know how to express this in a way that is easy for someone on your side of the conversation to hear. I struggled with it earlier in my life. Just worry about being a person someone would be interested in having a relationship with, and sex will follow.
It’s when someone is pursuing sex or marriage or whatever without regard to whom that they come across as desperate and creepy.
I’m surprised no one has tried to give any dating advice here. OP, regardless of the virginity thing, do you want to find a romantic partner? It’s entirely reasonable to want both romance and sex.
Here’s what’s worked for me:
- Figure out what kind of person your ideal partner would be, what their interests are, and where they would hang out.
- Put yourself in places where you’re likely to meet that kind of person. For example, if you’re looking for someone that likes the outdoors and staying physically active, maybe look for a hiking group in your area.
- Be confident, and be chill. If you’re neither, fake it until you are.
That’s the basic outline. If you’re meeting people that are sort of like what you’re looking for, but not quite, that’s an indication that you’re on the right track and should keep at it. Dating is a grind and requires patience.
In terms of confidence/chill, that means:
- Assuming that someone you’re interested in could also be attracted to you, instead of just assuming they aren’t.
- Handling rejection gracefully.
- Not keeping your desires a secret, but also having the patience not to dump everything on them all at once. If you want to be sexual, be lightly flirty with them, and see if they respond in kind. If they do, then you can gradually escalate along those lines.
- Not requiring constant attention from them. Give them a chance to miss you. Don’t feel the need to respond to that text right away, for example. Wait 10 minutes or so, then respond. This lets them know that you don’t expect immediate responses, and they can get back to you later if they’re busy. It also slows the pace of conversation down, so that you don’t run out of things to talk about.
I think most people have certain expectations of where they will be in life at a certain age. Milestones. Some are kind of baked in to society. In the US, you’ll graduate high school (secondary school) around 18. You can legally drink and, increasingly, smoke pot at 21. You’ll graduate from college/University around 22-24. Some cultures of origin have you married by 20, with kids by 22. You should be a grandparent by 45. If you don’t own a house by 30 you’ve failed at life. And on. And on. And on, ad nauseum.
We put these obligations and pressure on ourselves and we don’t need to. Be told, you can let go of these pressures. Society, family, and culture expectations are not mandatory.
You’re 24. You’ve got time and even if you never have sex there just so much to life. I recently buried an elderly friend. She lived to 92, died a virgin, and her only regret was not traveling more. Sure she was probably Ace, but it just shows there’s more than the milestones we put on ourselves.
Have peace OP. Don’t compare yourself to others, you didn’t know their secrets, only their outside self
Rural Midwest America is wild. It is depressing how many people think it’s normal to start a family at 17/18, never leave their hometown (of less than 5000), and never try to add to their knowledge of the world. (17 is being generous btw)
Don’t get me wrong. There are some lovely people from the country. There’s also a lot of willful ignorance
Have an grumpy upvote, because I’m not happy with that response.
Normal to start a family at 17? People have no sense of perspective. I didn’t have a kid until I was 30, and here in the UK I know plenty of guys who didn’t become fathers until their late 30’s.
I can’t imagine how hard it would be going through my 20’s with kids. It sounds awful.
I mean yeah of course I have milestone and goals. But without them I would not have the motivation to do things in life. And I feel like this is one of those goals which I’m falling at missirably
To be clear, i was referencing “milestones” that are foisted on us by our society and upbringing. Personal goals are fantastic.
Also, if you’ll allow an old man to ramble, goals are those things we can accomplish without the permission of a specific person. For example, getting job in your chosen field is a goal. Getting a job at Google is a hope or dream. Buying a house is a goal. Buying that house is a dream. Sex can be transactional (goal), but is healthiest (imo) when it is the natural extension of a close friendship that becomes a relationship.
Anyway, don’t lose hope. You sound like you’re in a good spot as far as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs goes. Life is indeed a journey, as cliché as it sounds. We’ve all been dealt certain hands, and some of us can trade some cards out. Others are stuck with what they have in hand. A lot of satisfaction in life comes from our perspective and attitude. My last bit of old man advice is this: before you begin feeling down on your situation in life take a positive inventory. If you haven’t already, start each day by writing ten positive things in your life. Or five. Or one. But do it. Add to the list daily. When the dark days come, review the list.
I didn’t know you, but I love you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some clouds to yell at
I think you may have the wrong perspective here. Sex isn’t a milestone or something to “be obtained.” If you go into an encounter trying to check a box then, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. Sex is something fun that happens naturally between partners who are open and both have interest in sex. Focus on being happy with yourself (be a person that you would want to have sex with) and investing in your relationships.
Sex, from a physical standpoint, is very overrated, and being a virgin does not actually mean anything. Stop overthinking it.
Good sex is not overrated. It can be immensely satisfying, fun, and romantic, depending on what one is into. It’s not for everyone, but for some, once you find the right sexual match and develop some experience with it, it can be so great. It’s also very healthy for people to have a good sex life.
“A good sex life” will vary and be different for all.
Fun and romance aren’t physical attributes. Sex is great when you’re doing it with someone you have a deep connection with, when you’re feeling close and connected with that person when you do it. It’s intimate not because of the sex itself but the feelings you share for each other. That’s what makes it great sex. From a pure physical standpoint I’d say masturbation is much better.
Is not only about the sex but also having a meaningful enough relationship to want to do it with that person
If it’s not only about the sex, why was the sex the first (and only) thing you reached for?
Everytime I find someone and start getting along with them really well. I think to my self this will finally be the year which I stop being a virgin. But it just has not worked out.
So you have someone you get along with really well, and instead of being happy about that you whine (and yes, this is whining) about them not having sex with you.
Your focus is on sex and that’s the only thing you can change: your focus.
I never said this was my only and first thought but it is part of the topic of the conversation and it is something that crosses my mind but its not the main thing I think about when I’m getting to get to know someone
That’s also not something you can enforce. Don’t meet people with the outlook of them becoming your partner. The best relationships are those where you know that person for a long time and have a bond with already. So find ways to make friends instead and just let things happen when they happen.
