I was finishing a jar of extremely hot peppers (7 pot primos) that I had fermenting on Thanksgiving day. I made a hot sauce with them and cantaloupe. I had them in a pan at a low simmer to meld the flavors. The problem was the steam coming off was potent as hell. It filled the house when everyone was arriving and coughing from the hot sauce in the air, me included. We had to open all the windows, dig out the fans to get it out of the house, freezing everyone in the process.
I went to spend Christmas with my in-laws about ten years ago and ruined their meal.
I’m not a bad cook, I know my way around a kitchen, my mom ran a fast food joint when I was a teen and she taught me how to work my ass off in a kitchen. From that start I’ve developed into a pretty good cook (or so my wife and friends tell me). I’m not the best but I do know how to cook. I know how to make prepare and serve a full Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings and desserts on my own if I had to.
At my in-laws place for Christmas I knew I should help so I just started doing dishes without asking. The place was hectic, the in-laws barely know how to cook and none of them seem to appreciate any spice other than salt or pepper. Everyone was happy I was helping and I kept the kitchen clean as the cooks worked. It was familiar for me and it amazed everyone else.
After a couple of hours of helping I thought I’d do more. They were making gravy and all it was was thin water from the drippings mixed with flour which made a white watery tasteless gravy. I thought I’d amaze them by making a roux with the own drippings, thickening the liquid, browning it to a golden color, adding salt, pepper, spice, a drop of maple syrup, soya sauce and a dash of Worcestershire. I kept tasting it and to me it was delicious. I had practiced for years and I knew how to make it taste good.
The in laws came in and the room went quiet, even the Christmas music stopped … they all looked at me like I murdered the cat and I was cooking it.
They were all upset that I had changed “Ma’s gravy” and turned it into something else. Everyone was either disappointed at best or just sneered at me like I had thrown a brick into the living room window.
I didn’t burn anything, didn’t over salt, didn’t make anyone sick, no fire, no explosions, blood or burns … I had just ruined “Ma’s gravy” of basically water and flour that everyone ate and somehow enjoyed every Christmas.
It was the weirdest TIFU in the kitchen I ever experienced.
In Swedish we say “Smaken är som baken, delad”. Or “Taste is like the butt, divided”
As much as I love my wife and her family … in their family there is only one color for gravy … white … basic, bland, tasteless, empty, vacant, soulless, heartless white.
The best part is that I don’t think they like ‘Ma’s gravy’ either.
They cover their food with the tasteless white gravy and then dose it with lots and lots of salt everywhere. Even as we ate, people just regularly picked up the salt to sprinkle some more on during the entire meal. A telling part is that no one, even me, would think of consuming the gravy without salt.
The funniest thing was the next year I went for Christmas. They guarded the gravy from me. I still helped in the kitchen because they liked that. Then just when the meal started, they set aside a cup of gravy for me in a pot and said I could make my own if I wanted to. I was polite and said that I would have ‘Ma’s gravy’ instead … and reached for the salt. Lol
Decided to make fried chicken. We rarely ever eat fried foods, and so I don’t have fancy things like deep fryers. What I had was a large cast aluminum pot.
Filled it about half way with oil, made amazing delicious fried chicken.
I also don’t have a stop top. Use a single eye burner. Needed the burner for something else, so sat the pot on the counter next to the sink.
Moved wrong, knocked the pot into the sink. Boiling oil goes down the drain.
Know what’s at the bottom of the drain? A trap full of water.
Water met boiling oil as I matrix dodged our of the way and a geysey worthy of yellow stone came flying out of the sink, both sides, shooting boiling oil and steam everywhere. Covering the ceiling, the walls, the floor. Even the dog got hit (thank God for long, thick fur!). I had splatter burns on my legs, which was the only part of me not under the counter when it landed. It came up with so much force it threw the pot out of the sink.
Yours is my favourite. I’ve witnessed several grease fires, but never one that geysered out of the sinkhole. Nice job, lol.
It was a scary moment. For added funny: I am 6’2, 285lbs (188cm, 130kg), and I’m not lying when I say I matrix dodged that shit.
I rubbed my eyes after cutting habaneros. 🥺
I was mixing some “chili con carne”, went to the bathroom, didn’t wash my hands before… big mistake.
Uuuuuuuugh. I thought of this as soon as I saw the title of this post. I’m so sorry…
What really gets me is when it’s not immediately afterward that this happens, but like 30 mins or an hour later, and you’ve washed your hands well - or so you thought - after cleaning up. But there was just enough oil left somewhere that you still get burned when you go for your eyes.
I’m sure everyone’s absent mindedly grabbed the handle of a cast iron pan they’ve just taken out of the oven, and had that quick “Oh no!” thought in the milliseconds before the pain registers.
I’ve got that trained down to perfection: the moment I go “Oh no!”, I’m already running towards the sink and turning cold water to the max. Heat takes a moment to spread through skin and flesh, so if you quickly dump a bunch of running cold water onto it (not ice), then there is a chance it will take away the heat before it does too much damage. I’ve avoided what I’m sure would’ve been a decent blister more than once that way.
