Assuming they’re old enough to have a phone, obviously.
I have to send my daughter reminders to do things all the time because she’s extremely forgetful. She’s not annoyed by that, she’s asked me to do it. And whenever I send her one, I get a read receipt and no reply. And I’ve told her a bunch of times that it’s rude to not reply to texts like that, but she keeps doing it.
It’s driving me crazy. She’s a good kid, but why doesn’t she return texts?!
Hi, I’m that kid. I usually see the text, don’t want to have to engage in conversation right that second because I’m super-introvert, then forget that I got a message from someone.
Then the longer time goes, the weirder it feels to reply. So I just don’t.
My family has gotten used to texting my wife if they need something
Texts are less important than email, and less urgent than a phone call. It’s ridiculous to think it’s rude not to reply, especially for kids who probably get 5-10 texts an hour.
If something’s important enough to you that you want a definite response eventually, send an email. If it requires immediate communication, call. Don’t apply false rules of politeness just to get a response out of your kid!
If it requires immediate communication, call.
Oh yeah, and really piss her off.
Is it important enough to risk pissing her off? If not, then why even worry about a reply.
So they want them to do this reminder thing, but don’t even want to reply with a simple “thanks” and that is supposed to be acceptable? They get 5 to 10 text an hour? Who cares? “Thanks” takes about 1 second and the person that is helping you (based on your request) would like it - how is that even a question at that point?
Yes, they asked for a reminder, not a conversation. Parents have to choose their battles. Demanding non-standard behaviour in order to do a required parenting thing like helping your child remember stuff is a really stupid hill to die on!
I agree. I raised two sons, and the only thing that kept me sane through their puberty was pragmatism.
I’m not even sure I’d send reminder messages tbh. Learning to deal with the consequences of forgetting stuff is important, better to do it now, while the stakes are low. Imagine her forgetting to pay rent.
Maybe she doesn’t like you that way?
Bear with me here. Communication comes in many forms now. I’m not even that old (42) and it used to be post-its, face-to-face, a letter in the mail, or an actual call.
Now people have FaceTime, texts, calls, emails, mailed letters, post-its, etc.
People often have a preference in how they communicate with certain people. I generally prefer face-to-face with friends and loved ones, but that’s not likely these days. And, as far as I can tell, no one wants a FaceTime session with me.
If something is important, but you’re using a “casual” line of communication, either change the line of communication to a different one, or alter that version in a way to make urgent things stand out, like with specific emojis.
One way of figuring this out is with a face-to-face communication with your daughter. Take like 15 minutes max, figure out some alternatives to the current situation, and then fiddle with it as you go along.
Or maybe she has ADHD, and you’ve got an uphill battle for the remainder of her life. If that’s the case, I recommend the channel “How to ADHD”.
Good luck!
I read this as a former child and never-to-be parent: Child got tasked with chores, got overwhelmed, forgot some or chose which to deem more important and you disagreed, then both of you had a short, intense conversation about forgetting things where child (kind of) agreed to reminders by you.
Why is the child really forgetting things? Just saying ‘probably ADHD’ or ‘doesn’t want to do them’ is not enough at all.
Why aren’t you teaching the child how to do reminders autonomously?
Why do the reminders need a reply? If the child is unable to do the reminded thing, applying additional pressure by requiring a unique answer won’t help. If the reminders are actually trying to confirm pieces of collaborative work, the texts are not reminders at all, because reminders are optional by nature. These semantics are important, because it completely changes the discussion.
I am a parent and I agree with you. There is so much wrong about OP’s expectations. You summarized it pretty nicely.
One thing is to actually talk to your kid about managing their own shit. It is not my responsibility. I have enough shit to manage for myself. Oh yeah, you forget things? Feel the pain what it means to forget stuff! You don’t know how to make reminders or appointments? Learn it, for God’s sake!
I don’t follow. Why, exactly, is it rude for your daughter to not reply?
The situation as I’ve read it seems to be you send your daughter a text along the lines of “take out the trash” because she forgets to take out the trash and she has asked you to send her a text reminding her to take out the trash. If a coworker or my partner told me to take out the trash, I wouldn’t respond, I would do it. It wouldn’t be rude for me to not respond and just do it; that imperative statement doesn’t require a response and it’s strange to me that someone would think it does. There’s nothing about that message that requires me to respond. Inbox Zero applies to texts too.
In a different situation where the text is changed to “take out the trash and give me a 👍 when you do,” the conversation actually requires interaction. Before, it didn’t.
In yet another situation, I’d ask if a lack of response to message is really the problem. Perhaps you don’t feel appreciated or you’re losing connection and don’t know how to it express it. Maybe that’s a stretch.
Why, exactly, is it rude for your daughter to not reply?
For the same reason it would be rude not to reply if I said, “please feed the dogs” in person.
Isn’t doing the thing the proper response? The difference here is, in person, I can say “okay” while I am executing the action. With digital communication I have to stop and do something.
Our difference in communication expectations highlights that others do not share your perspective. You’re going to have the most success if you talk to your daughter about communication expectations. She has one set, you have another. Together you need to agree on mutual expectations. Think about what really matters (is it the reminder? Is it the resolution? Is it the acknowledgement?).
Also it sounds like you’re being your daughter’s calendar or planner. There are apps that might remove you from the equation so you don’t have this friction.
Tbh, you’re reminding me a lot of my own mother who would demand similar, polite acknowledgement every time she spoke to me, even if it didn’t make sense in the moment. But for her, it was more about control than anything else.
I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but that could be how it’s making your daughter feel. Maybe check in with her about that? So there’s no growing resentment or anything. Wish you both the best!
