First, this was exactly what my daughters needed to shake themselves out of a grumpy morning, so thank you for sharing this

Second, here are the Objectively Correct Answers, in order of correctness:

• Wind shield: Blocking and deflecting blows isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? Sending your stupid assailant flying backwards complete with ragdoll physics. Most importantly, you can flip your wind shield over and use it as a hoverboard.
• Thunder bow: Lightning is awesome as long as it’s sufficiently far away from you. Making lightning strike wherever an arrow can reach? Super impressive and solves many potential problems before they become actual, in-your-face problems.
• Earth knuckles: When you punch someone in the face, do you want to zap them? Freeze them? Make them damp? No. You want to punch someone in the face with the power of a falling boulder. You want to hear that “earth cracking” sound effect.
• Fire whip: You’re the person at the party with the devil sticks. You’re the person who holds a pose just a hair too long when entering a room. You were born to wield the fire whip.
• Ice spear: We’re doing crowd control here. We’re freezing our enemies before they can close in on us. We’re surrounding ourselves with statues of things that wish us harm.
• Poison claws: The only unanimous decision in our family. (We have two cats.)
• Nature axe: Creation and destruction. It’s, like, a metaphor, man.
• Darkness dagger: Daggers are all about being sneaky. In and out, quick stabby murder before anyone notices. What’s better than a little extra cover of darkness for this?
• Light sword: Skyward Sword was an underrated game.
• Water hammer: You’ve used everything else, now it’s time to go back through one last time and do a non-lethal run. Hits like a giant wet sponge.

Just make sure to pronounce “Kamabla” 23 different ways and you’re golden

petite feet

I hardly know ion!

I’m going to seal myself in a sensory deprivation chamber and induce a coma that reduces my brain activity to the bare minimum required to sustain life in order to see if it is possible to somehow beat the DNC at a “learn nothing” competition

Real piece of work, that guy

The current crop of fifth graders around here (those who had the end of kindergarten and all of first grade suddenly shifted to remote) is really struggling socially and academically. There is a very specific type of pain you cannot experience until you watch a first-grade teacher desperately try to get a couple dozen students to mute and unmute themselves on Zoom at the appropriate times.

In a better world, we would have at least used that time to outfit public schools to be as safe as possible and mandated indoor masking. Alas,

Now we have only 22 flavors. Because of woke

THIS GIRL
runs on
COFFEE
and
JESUS
and
TRAIL PHEROMONES

I wish I could be as self-actualized as this tweet

I can’t put into words the quality that this tweet embodies, but whatever it is, it’s 100% fully the platonic ideal of that thing