I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to, I want to find another girl to talk to. This girl and I met at the gym, but I don’t want to be the guy that goes to the gym just to meet girls. I mean sure there’s the bar and Tinder, but I want a real relationship. I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
I’ve found the most important part of finding a mate on Lemmy is to run Arch Linux. If you do not run Arch Linux, are you even trying?
I use Arch BTW
Bro, go to as many concerts and gigs as you can. Take a single mate, its crazy watching how many random interactions take place.
Dont be scared to move around and chat to people. No one cares if you are trying to find a new viewing spot and its a great convo starter. I wish I went to more when I was younger.
But number 1 rule, earplugs
… So you’re at a concert, wandering around the crowd (with earplugs) just conspicuously sliding up to different spots and striking up conversations with attractive people while they’re enjoying the performance? I would emphasize you want something more like a festival where there are multiple events and people have down time in-between to socialize. A normal concert would be like wearing sunglasses to a theater and moving around to get “the best viewing spot” while talking to everyone which is creepy as hell and not a good setting to strike up an actual conversation.
the bird will never land on your ship if you constantly stand guard to catch it, instead improve your ship and sail into warmer waters; the bird will land while you are not looking
- CGP Grey
CGP Grey might be one of the most interesting people to ever have lived. I cannot get enough of his podcasts. I still miss Hello Internet dearly.
I love this advice.
Sadly if I had to expand on the analogy, I hate a warm and humid climate. I’ve learned to function in social situations, but never to be comfortable in them. I want nothing more than to be left alone by people I don’t know.
I am painfully aware that to get to interact with more people I already know and like, I’ll first have to interact with people I don’t know, and might not like. And that makes it even harder to get over that hurdle. And my asocial ass is not actually that bothered by loneliness so I just don’t bother.
The common advice is to do things you enjoy, and meet people who also enjoy those things, but my enjoyment of something is quite closely linked to how alone I get to be.
If dealing with other people is involved, I just won’t be as into it.
The warmer waters could also mean a place of comfort for you, and by being in a place you like and being comfortable you are more likely to meet someone compatible. It also feels less like a chore because you don’t have to chase or get out of your comfort zone so much.
I like to be alone, I hate when it gets too loud and can easily get overwhelmed by crowds. My wife and I spend plenty of time doing things in our own space or spending weeks apart. We both value alone time. Find yourself someone who values what you value.
Yeah no. This is just the exact same advice I can’t use. I know all this. I don’t think you understand my problem.
For me “warmer waters” means less people. Even when doing things I like in an environment I enjoy, the presence of people, or even a single person, puts me off. Always.
I like going to the gym, but I like it best in the middle of the night at the 24/7 gym when no-one else is there.
I like to move to music. I hate dancing with another person.
I enjoy multiplayer games, but I have zero interest in in-game chats of any kind.
I could go on.
The things I like, I enjoy MORE alone. Doing any of it in a way that introduces the possibility of getting to know a new person significantly reduces my desire to engage, or ruins my interest entirely.
The person I’m looking for, who enjoys the same things I do, isn’t someone I will meet while doing things I like in the way I like doing them. Because doing them in a way where I might get to know someone, means doing them in a way I do not like.
I do not enjoy the process of getting to know someone, there is no context where it becomes painless and effortless, because the thing I don’t like is the fact that another person is involved. Every word they say might be exactly what I want to hear, but it doesn’t alleviate my desire to be somewhere else, even as my excitement at meeting someone I might like, grows.
I don’t “value” my alone time. I literally can’t get enough of it. My alone time is so inoffensive to me I feel basically no need to change how I live my daily life, just so I can eventually find someone whose company I can simply enjoy once I get past the chore of getting to know them.
And the energy investment for me to make friends is insane. I basically have to feign wanting to be in someone’s company until I know them well enough for it to be true, and that’s a process that continues for me well past the point of my realising I like someone.
Even as I start wanting the company of a particular person, once actually in it, I want nothing more than to be alone again. It takes me years for that go away completely with someone, and during all that time I have to resist my desire to leave/kick them out, because if I do, things will never progress past that, and into the phase where I just… enjoy having a relationship.
I like this advice. It’s true. But some of us simply don’t work the way it precludes.
For me to find another person like me, I’d have to be making an “expedition” into warmer waters, fully intending to leave them as soon as provisions run out. And then during that, run into someone else doing the same. That is astronomically unlikely, especially due to how rarely I can scrounge up the provisions for an expedition.
I’m far more likely to run into people who are comfortable living in the warm waters. That’s not a problem. As long as they don’t mind visiting me in my cold waters, they can make for excellent relationships.
But it does mean people like me can’t directly apply this advice in the way it is presented.
No matter what so many people say, it’s not mandatory to have a partner!
Invest your effort in figuring out how to live with yourself. Build a life worth living on your own.
A right person might come, or not. But at least you didn’t waste your life chasing wrong goals.
And also, all relationships are valuable. A good friendship is a wonderful boon to your mental health… and if you’re seeking a relationship for sex there are far easier ways to do it.
Also, expanding on that, if you go into every interaction with a narrow expectation (e.g. to find the love of your life) you will be disappointed almost all the time but if you keep an open mind you might come out of that with some other positive interactions (a new friend, an interesting conversation, …) than you expected or were hoping for.
This one right here!
Love isn’t commanded, but if you have friends you’re so much more likely to meet people that might be like you, and that’s what makes love work in the long run too.
Good luck!
I mean, I understand people not looking for a partner. But sometimes having a person close to you can help a ton especially in hard times and great for fighting loneliness.
I have a a couple of close friends, but they’re all moving away for work/stuff, and being alone is hitting hard.
Thank you for being one of the only people to be real about how it’s not a guarantee. You might not find anyone. I see way too much fairy tale thinking and all the “just wait, she’ll come” nonsense.
Being lonely sucks, being single in a society that requires 2 incomes sucks, but I think being in a shitty relationship just to be in a relationship is worse.
Unfortunately I’m writing from personal experience.
After too many years I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone. But accepting it was a relief. It’s terrifyingly lonely at times, but at least I’m not suicidal any more. And I understand who I am and what is my way of life.
I can’t understate the benefits of understanding oneself can have on mental health.
I’m in a similar position, but I think I’m still working through “coming to terms” with my “situation.”
It’s definitely depressing as I’ve only had 2 real goals in life: be in a loving relationship, and own a home. Both of those are proving to be exceedingly unlikely to happen the older I get.
I had absolutely no luck trying. I went on dates, swiped apps, talked to every girl I thought was cute, and none of it went anywhere beyond some weird halfhearted relationships. About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked. Six years down the line and we couldn’t be happier.
I guess my best advice is just don’t sweat it. Be yourself, do what makes you happy, put yourself in situations where you’ll meet new people, and sooner or later somebody will come along.
I think people are too quick to discount this advice but it’s honestly the best way to find a genuine life partner. Do stuff you love and if you find someone you’re interested in doing it (and they feel the same way) you have an excellent basis for a relationship.
About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked
I just have to say thank you for posting this, as I was just commenting earlier today how I got together with my (now) wife after giving up and focusing on myself. I really appreciate seeing that my experience isn’t a one off like I’ve been told before (which is amusing because I’ve had it happen multiple times since).
Spend your time doing what you like and talk to women you meet while doing that. It has several advantages for dating. :)
I met my current wife in the crackhouse we both frequented, it was very romantic and just like a movie.
