This has been on my mind lately. My dad is going through it, his sister has got it pretty bad and I apparently have the predisposed gene to get in my future.
I’m leaning no because I wouldn’t want to make my child go through slowly watching their dad’s mind leave them and also potentially pass it on to them when they get older.
It’s thrown me for a loop since I always imagined myself having kids and I’m around that age now.
What do you think?
Edit: I just want to say that I did not expect the kind of response this post got. I’m grateful for all of your comments and the perspectives it’s allowed me to peak into.
I also should mention that were I to have children they would most certainly not be burdened by being the crutch of my own personal journey of accepting and loving who I am. That is work for me alone and I would never unload that responsibility onto those I love and especially those who I’d be raising.
As for my partner not wanting kids, I would never consider forcing or persuading them to raise a child when they know for certain it’s not in their cards. This is another element in how I’ve been navigating this question. I love her with everything I have and I can’t imagine us being apart and yet there is a pang that lingers of the father I assumed I would eventually become.
Anyway, thanks again for your thoughtful replies. They’ve helped so much especially since this is the first time I’ve voiced these thoughts.
If you want kids you should have them. You can let fear of the ifs keep you from doing that. I say this being generally opposed to children as well lol
Yeah, only recently have I been opposed to having children outside of the Alzheimer’s question. We could afford to have them, but it would truly be paycheck to paycheck which I wouldn’t be comfortable with. Plus there are plenty of humans already on this poor planet.
Also, my partner is very against having children. Which I understand, but it’s a different place to be in life when I always imagined having them. Now I’m trying to decide if I truly want to have them and the boat is sailing since I’m 36.
It’s interesting to have gone the distance without having kids. Very few of my friends who had them seemed to enjoy the experience in the moment, but those few that did really did. Also, a couple of them lost the Russian Roulette and had kids with significant issues that currently can’t be fixed; they are staring down a potential lifetime of dealing with mental health and/or addiction issues in adult children.
I’m fundamentally a risk-taker, but the returns have never seemed worth the commitment and possibility of wildly adverse outcomes, particularly living under the American social and economic models.
Yeah moving into 36 years old and I’ve never felt like I need to rush into having kids because that’s just what you do. I know I would be a good dad, but if it’s not a burning desire should it be really something to take on? I feel like that should be an innate quality when making the decision to have kids.
Hi, I am from a family with a lot of autoimmune conditions like Crohn’s, Ankylosing Spondylitis, MS, and Alzheimer’s. My father started to “lose it” in his late 50s, retiring a little early. He lived a long life until early 90s but the last ten years were hard on everyone. But my mother took care of him and we will tried to help.
I was 38 when our child was born. I was very concerned about passing on anything and he probably is going to have Crohn’s or IBD.
But here’s the thing. All of my family has done our best to live our best lives and yes it isn’t the best physical condition at times but we have loved, taken chances, l made mistakes, had laughs, etc. That’s worth it.
I’ve also known people who were ironman triathlon champs having heart attacks.
Only you can decide on kids. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here to tell you the chance that you or they might have Alzheimer’s doesn’t have to be the deciding factor.
Also, there are pilot studies in Alzheimer’s vaccines and other treatments.
One thing I don’t see mentioned here at all is the financial burden incurred by caring for a family member with serious problems like this. Obviously this is very dependent on the country in which you live but at least in the United States it is very possible to be buried in debt for caring for someone else. Personally, I will be trying to pay off medical bills from taking care of a family member in their final days probably for the rest of my life barring a miracle.
I’d rather not potentially saddle my children with the same if I can avoid it.
If you decide to have kids and choose to have a co-parent, rather being a single parent, choose a co-parent who also wants kids. Having kids with someone who doesn’t want them is cursing the kids to be raised by someone who doesn’t want them, which can have significant emotional consequences.
There might be a cure for Alzheimer’s when you turn 65, medicine is advancing pretty rapidly now.
There have been some major strides in treatments that slow and/or halt the progression of Alzheimer’s recently. I would think that in the next 30-50 years it would be a much more manageable disease.
I understand the concern of passing it down, but there is always adoption or sperm/egg donation, if you still wanted to be a parent. Honestly, nothing is guaranteed. You could die of something else long before Alzheimer’s could develop, or you could live to 100 in perfect health. Most of us will fall somewhere in between.
I wouldn’t let something like that stop you from starting a family if it’s what you really want in life.
Yes, my dad has been on medication that slows it, but it’s definitely taken a turn these past few months. We had to get the doctor to tell him to stop driving this month. It’s been really hard on him especially since he doesn’t know why and thinks it’s his fault and that it must be because he is simply too dumb enough to drive. It’s truly heartbreaking.
Also, that’s a good point that something entirely different could happen before Alzheimer’s.
I don’t have really any big fears in my life. I’m good with heights, I can run workshops and talk in front of hundreds of people. But I’ve always truly feared losing my mind since my psych 101 class in college. My plan is to go to a country that allows assisted suicide if I do end up getting it and can still make decisions in my right mind.
Live your life my friend. I just had a baby and besides the lack of sleep, it is the most wonderful thing. Good luck!
I have a friend who suffers from severe depression, inherited from his parents, and he definitely blames them for deciding to have kids when he feels they should have known what hell he would suffer for it.
But this is completely different. You have plenty of time to raise your kids before it affects you, if it ever does. If they inherit the predisposition, they have plenty of time to lead amazing lives before it strikes. It’s a miserable thing that may or may not happen towards the end of life but we all have to deal with miserable things.
You can’t live your life in a way that avoids all of those miserable things. I have another friend who spends a quite unreasonable amount of mental energy trying to avoid bad consequences and it is honestly ridiculous how many much worse things that happen as a result.
That said, you say elsewhere that your partner does not want kids. You have to decide whether the relationship is strong enough to accept that. Are you looking for reasons why you should feel happy about it? Do you have a burning desire for children or is it just something that you assumed would happen because that’s how it works for most people?
Big decisions to make. But none of them have a whole lot to do with Alzheimer’s. If you do have kids, and you treat them well, they’re going to be devastated no matter when you die, or what kills you. That’s not a reason to deny them, or you, the joy that makes it so devastating. Grief is the price we pay for love.
Parental love might or might not be something you want or need in your life. That’s a question only you can answer.
Thank you for this. Yes, that’s part of question for me. Does always imagining having them mean I really want them?
I also think one of the things I fear about not having kids is the work it will take to really accept and love myself. I feel like kids can substitute that kind of work in a lot of people. Without them though I’m really faced with myself.
That’s a really heavy burden to place on a child. Sure when they’re really young you’ll be the centre of their universe. A superhero that can do no wrong. But eventually they will grow up, and become their own people. That process often involves outright rejecting you and being really hurtful. If you have a fragile sense of self I’m not sure raising teenagers will make you feel any better, they can be godamn mean.
Also your kids should NEVER be responsible for your mental health and self esteem. It’s incredibly unhealthy and you will likely end up raising broken adults because of it. Honestly, save yourself and your potential future chlldren the trauma and heartache and do the work it takes to deal with your issues. It will be hard, but believe me it’s a piece of cake compared to the pain you’d be setting yourself up for later.
Oh my gosh, I truly appreciate your post and it has made me think about my grandma, etc, but I have to comment here as a mom of grown children: children take a very personal passion and work that can at times be super affirming, but being a parent WILL NOT help you accept and love yourself!!!
The pitfalls are the same as in any meaningful effort and the importance will magnify the failures as much or more than the successes.
