WannabeBear [he/him, comrade/them]
I repressed my gender for ~7 years after coming out as nonbinary/questioning to my husband, when he said “as long as you’re not a transman or don’t get a beard.”
Spoilers, I’m a transman.
Those 7 years were horrible for my mental and physical health. I lost so much.
I can’t say what the right choice is for you. Having kids must make your decision even harder. Whatever you choose, you are valid.
But in my experience, the dysphoria and need to transition only got stronger with age. Until it finally got to the point where I think repressing it any longer would have literally killed me.
I’m officially on waitlists for doctors to refer me for both top and bottom surgeries (through public healthcare. Could theoretically go private if I wanted to speed things up a lot, but not an option financially right now.)
~1 month to see a GP with specialized training who can refer me for top surgery (and then from what I know 2+ years before the surgery itself). ~2 years to see a psychiatrist for referral for bottom surgery (and then 8+ years for surgery).
Feels good because this is some sort of concrete progress. HRT changes are so slow
Idk if I want bottom surgery, but I figure if I do, I’ll know I do in a decade.
I changed my last name long before I realized I was trans, because that family is really horrible.
For me I was a dork and chose a name from a tv character I liked, which was also a super common white person name that no one would ever question.
I don’t feel a deep attachment to my last name, and have kind of toyed with the idea of changing it again, when I change my first name in the near-ish future. If I change it again, this time I will probably choose something that isn’t a surname with history (like, basically just a word I like or something. Maybe a plant or something from astronomy. Possibly an animal. Idk.)
Replying again because I remembered a thought-
A sort of version of this question I’ve seen, that for me was a loooottt more helpful, but is more kinda aimed at sussing out if you’re nonbinary vs male/female, was:
If you had been born as the opposite sex, would you have felt the need to physically transition?
And like. No? If I’d been born with a penis I think my main body dysphoria would’ve been over the fact that (based on my family) I would’ve been circumcised. The only physical change I would’ve done would be foreskin restoration, lol (also I’d work way harder at taking care of my butthole and not having hemorrhoids, since I wouldn’t have the easier bottoming option I have now). Other than that I believe I’d just be a queer sometimes femme sometimes masc guy, I doubt I’d identify as any kind of trans.
But as is I was born into my body and have experienced decades of dysphoria and have been various states of egg for most of that time. I’m not a woman but living as a girl and then a woman has shaped so much of who I am, that to remove that, would fundamentally change me.
If there was a magical get a full sized uncut penis button I think I would probably (but like, I’m not even certain of that) press it?
But I’m not interested in any button that undoes my life. Because then I’m not me. And that line of thinking is confusing and gives me existential dread. No thanks.
Yeah those questions made me doubt my gender for over a decade
I came out to like a dozen people this week (prior to this week I was only fully out to like 3), and have a couple small social circles that are now using he/him pronouns for me.
Feels better than I imagined, and is also making me impatient to be fully out (but safety is making me try to hold back for ideally another 8+ months). Every person I tell (who accepts me, so far haven’t told anyone who doesn’t) it feels like a literal weight off my shoulders.
Also had the most gender-affirming sex of my life, thanks to my first realistic prosthetic.
And it’s been ~3 months on full dose T now. I had fully lasered my legs and armpits in my early twenties, trying to get rid of the hatred I felt for my body (ouch, wrong direction
Sorry this is a novel. I have no other trans community yet.
Egg shit I (an ftm egg) did, off the top of my head:
Ask people if they would still like me if I was a guy.
Make jokes about having a dick.
Have panic attacks when guys I was dating/fucking grabbed my tits or were obsessive about them.
Lament about how much nicer men’s clothing is and how much easier it would be to be even slightly stylish as a guy.
Etc.