WannabeBear [he/him, comrade/them]
Replying again because I remembered a thought-
A sort of version of this question I’ve seen, that for me was a loooottt more helpful, but is more kinda aimed at sussing out if you’re nonbinary vs male/female, was:
If you had been born as the opposite sex, would you have felt the need to physically transition?
And like. No? If I’d been born with a penis I think my main body dysphoria would’ve been over the fact that (based on my family) I would’ve been circumcised. The only physical change I would’ve done would be foreskin restoration, lol (also I’d work way harder at taking care of my butthole and not having hemorrhoids, since I wouldn’t have the easier bottoming option I have now). Other than that I believe I’d just be a queer sometimes femme sometimes masc guy, I doubt I’d identify as any kind of trans.
But as is I was born into my body and have experienced decades of dysphoria and have been various states of egg for most of that time. I’m not a woman but living as a girl and then a woman has shaped so much of who I am, that to remove that, would fundamentally change me.
If there was a magical get a full sized uncut penis button I think I would probably (but like, I’m not even certain of that) press it?
But I’m not interested in any button that undoes my life. Because then I’m not me. And that line of thinking is confusing and gives me existential dread. No thanks.
I think I’ll be coming out fully at some point this year. Being closeted is far too distressing these days, so, even though I dread the process of coming out, I think it’s going to be necessary in the very near future.
I should be getting onto the top surgery waitlist in a week or two, which probably means I’ll be on it for most of 2024 (and some or potentially all of 2025, too).
Potentially I’ll also be legally changing my name and gender too, we’ll see.
None of these things will be fun, but hopefully life afterwards will be more livable.
Yeah those questions made me doubt my gender for over a decade
Egg shit I (an ftm egg) did, off the top of my head:
Ask people if they would still like me if I was a guy.
Make jokes about having a dick.
Have panic attacks when guys I was dating/fucking grabbed my tits or were obsessive about them.
Lament about how much nicer men’s clothing is and how much easier it would be to be even slightly stylish as a guy.
Etc.
I changed my last name long before I realized I was trans, because that family is really horrible.
For me I was a dork and chose a name from a tv character I liked, which was also a super common white person name that no one would ever question.
I don’t feel a deep attachment to my last name, and have kind of toyed with the idea of changing it again, when I change my first name in the near-ish future. If I change it again, this time I will probably choose something that isn’t a surname with history (like, basically just a word I like or something. Maybe a plant or something from astronomy. Possibly an animal. Idk.)
Nah Alberta is definitely the Texas of Canada, haha.
Bottom surgery is in Montreal, yeah. How long did/do you have to wait to get referred for surgery? (Like, I can’t even see the psychiatrist who refers for bottom surgery for 2+ years because of that clinic’s wait time). Maybe the decade quote is specifically for phallo? I have no idea. Besides my waits to get referred (which are for the local gender clinic, and were given to me by their staff) the surgery referral to surgery waits are just based on what other trans people have told me.
Top is done here and may be faster than what I said, that’s just an estimate based on what people who started the process a touch before me have said.
What the heck, where are you in Canada??? I’m in Canada lol 💀 though I do think the FTM wait times are usually longer (but not like a decade longer??)
I’m in the Texas of Canada, so, iirc we only get something like 20 bottom surgeries a year? And we have ~500 people waiting for them.
I’m officially on waitlists for doctors to refer me for both top and bottom surgeries (through public healthcare. Could theoretically go private if I wanted to speed things up a lot, but not an option financially right now.)
~1 month to see a GP with specialized training who can refer me for top surgery (and then from what I know 2+ years before the surgery itself). ~2 years to see a psychiatrist for referral for bottom surgery (and then 8+ years for surgery).
Feels good because this is some sort of concrete progress. HRT changes are so slow
Idk if I want bottom surgery, but I figure if I do, I’ll know I do in a decade.
I’m very new to hexbear and mostly lurk, so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to recommend an online store (I also don’t know where you’re located, the store I have in mind only ships within Canada and the US), but anyway there’s a worker owned sex store cooperative in Toronto that has a great online store.
All of their gender gear descriptions are super gender neutral, I just checked to make sure and there’s even a line about packers being for everyone who wants one, in their basic packer information.
I try to never shop for sex stuff anywhere else, unless it’s something I legitimately can’t get through this store.
If I’m allowed I’ll totally give you the name, or you can DM me about it.
Depending on what exactly you want in a prosthetic (just a flaccid bulge? Pack and play? STP?) there are also people who make stuff themselves that you can sometimes find at queer markets or online places where artisans can sell stuff. If you’re crafty and just want a flaccid bulge, I could send you the pattern for a crochet packer.